Apparently we are related!
by Em the elf
Summary: Emily and George are back! The two teens find their journey to the wedding of two favourites takes a turn for the worst but much more humorous.Complete
1. The Prologue

A/N: George: Hey we are back with 'Apparently we are related!' We have no idea where this fic is going so don't expect much but since you all wanted a sequel here is a little spin off to 'Are you sure we are related?' If you are new to this you might want to read the first one.

**The Prologue**.

"Emily?!" Called Legolas searching their talen. "Emily?!"

"Help!" Squeaked a voice from outside.

Legolas ran out to see Emily hanging off the rope ladder upside down. Legolas jumped down and untangled Emily's foot smirking all the while.

"I do not see what is so funny!" Pouted Emily once on solid ground. "One day I'm going to break my neck climbing that thing!"

"I'll always be here to save you." Grinned Legolas. "That is what husbands do."

Emily couldn't help but smile at this. "Damn you for being so hard to be mad at!"

Legolas laughed, "It is a gift!"

"So what did you want anyway?"

"We just received a letter from Lothlorien. We are invited to Haldir and Boromir's wedding."

"Weddings! I love weddings drinks all around!" Cried Emily.

"Let me guess, more pop culture references?"

"Something like that."

….

"Come Lincoln the second, we have a wedding to attend. Go fetch my tailor." Ordered George as he grinned at the prospect of seeing all his old friends again.

….

A/N: Emily: I know it is really short, but it's just to let you know that there is more to come from Emily and George. The story will start probably in a few weeks after I finish my exams. Only six more to go! Woo ho! Unfortunately I haven't revised for them so when I get my F's I'll be sure to let you know in a bout of drunken hysteria.   


	2. Kai

A/N: Emily: Hey! No more stinky exams! Oh yeah! I'm leaving school tomorrow! No more stupid maroon uniform! Woo Hoo! I just cut it up and made a nice costume for our dog, Roxy, but she didn't seem that impressed.

George: This chapter is slightly short but it is just getting going, to where, we still don't know but we hope you shall join us on our quest for…well…um…

Disclaimer: We own Kai! It's the first time we have owned something! We don't have to give him back! Yay! Feel free to use him we won't mind as long as we can read it too!

**Chapter One – Kai.**

"I really do not think you will need that many dresses." Pointed out Legolas as he watched Emily try and shut her bag with a great deal of difficulty.

"Has it escaped your attention that I may need your help over here?!"

"We will not be in Lothlorien for long, you have brought enough dresses to last for twice the stay!"

"Exactly!"

"I do not see how that answers my point and I also do not see why you insist on leaving for Lothlorien now. The wedding is not for another three weeks."

"You shall see." Grinned Emily as she dragged her bag to the stables.

….

Gathered at the stables were a large group of elves ready to see their prince and princess off. There usually would be a congregation of giggling elf-maidens surrounding Legolas wherever it went, but they had been scared off by a threat of water bombs that would not necessarily be filled with water by the ever original princess.

"Your father has asked I join you." Began Kai.

Emily was sure his name was a shortened version of something a lot more elven but had never bothered to find out. Kai was Thranduil's best guard and also Legolas' best friend.

"Any particular reason why?" Asked Legolas.

"He still worries about the high number of Orcs in Arda. I told him you could take care of yourself to which he answered, 'and while he is doing that who will be making sure Emily is not destroying something.'"

"He does have a point." Smirked Legolas. Mirkwood had been significantly livelier since Emily's arrival. Who could forget the speech she had insisted making at their wedding?!

"Can we go now?!" Asked an impatient Emily who was doing her best impressions of an over excited two year old.

"Kai will be joining us."

"Does he have an invitation?"

Kai shook his head in amusement, "I do not think Haldir and Boromir will mind one more."

"If you say so." Emily jumped up onto her horse Tiny. "Hi Ho Tiny Away!"

With that Emily sped off leaving Legolas and Kai to mount their Stallions and follow.

….

"My Lord, do you not think we should ready your things for your journey to Lothlorien?" Asked George's personal assistant. When George became King of Gondor he refused to call anyone his servant so now he has a great deal of P.A's. 

"I am awaiting the arrival of someone. When they are spotted I shall pack my things." Answered George wondering on the whereabouts of his sister.

….

"I think we should play a game." Suggested Emily as the three riders made their way through Mirkwood forest.

"What kind of game?" Asked Kai.

"I suppose 'Name that tune' would be lost on you guys. We could always play George's favorite, 'Guess that smell.'"

"Would you be deeply offended if I declined?"

"I think I'll survived." Sighed Emily. "Although Legolas knows all about the repercussions of my boredom."

Images flashed of pink and zombies in Legolas' mind, "So this tune game how do you play it?"

"Nice try! How about eye spy? Even you could play that."

"Are you saying I'm thick?" Gasped Legolas using one of Emily's preferred phrases.

Kai laughed at the exchange, "Prince Legolas ever the demure and well spoken aristocrat."

"Did you ever have to take prince lessons?" Inquired Emily following the line of conversation.

"No." Replied Legolas.

"So you're naturally stuck up?"

Legolas raised and eyebrow.

"Joke! I could never marry someone stuck up. I mean to kiss them you would have to stick your head up…"

"Look a bird!" Cried Legolas stopping the obvious direction Emily's thought process was going in.

"That's just a leaf dear." Said Emily skeptically.

"Oh so it is." Mumbled Legolas.

Kai's confusion was ever present on his face as Legolas and Emily continued to bicker on about Legolas' need for glasses.

After five minutes of arguing and the ten minutes of silence that ensued Emily finally said something.

"I went to finishing school."

"There was a definite need for conversation there. However, there was no need for a downright lie!" Laughed Kai.

"What?! It's true!" Defended Emily.

"What happened?" Smirked Legolas.

"Well remember the time when Aragorn tried to give George and I lessons in manners, it kinda ended like that except with a glue gun and some staples."

"What are staples?" Asked Kai.

Emily was lost in memory so Legolas answered for her, "Ask Gandalf at the wedding."

"So he hasn't been banned then?"

"Boromir took pity on him."

….

The three set up camp on the outskirts of southern Mirkwood.

'Where's my eye candy gone?" Thought Emily to herself.

Legolas had gone scouting the area so Emily rested her eyes on Kai who was unloading the horses.

'No your married! You can't ogle other elves!' Yelled Emily's brain.

'I was not ogling I was admiring! Legolas is the only one for me! Though Kai is quite cute in a darker kind of way.' Noted Emily.

'Stop it! However, you do have a valid point, Oh! He just bent over!'

"What are you looking at?" Asked Legolas from behind her.

"Ka…" Emily quickly stopped herself.

"What?"

"Urm…Kangaroos."

"Maybe you should get some sleep hunny."

"Yep and I can think of no better person than you to assist me in that task!" Smiled Emily.

….

A/N: George; Weird place to end it but I promised Emily that I would let her help right the next bit. Right now she is tanking up on Rum in celebration of no more exams. I tried to warn her that all the photos of her on leavers day will be of her with a hangover but did she listen?!

Thank yous:

Snow Crystals – I reckon Em knows how you feel. She was uber peeved when that bed got in the way of Oiled up Orli, as she is now referring to him, nudeness. I myself was quite glad; you try dragging an unconscious Emily from the cinema!

Lil' Smartass – I think Emily has taped the comma button down!

Limpet666 – Nooooooooooo! Emily keeps singing that flipping advert! What's so special about it!

Shadowz – Huzzah! Don't you just love POTC. You need to watch Spaced we are starting a cult following. Don't tell anyone but Emily has developed a crush on Simon Pegg!


	3. Wrong Direction

A/N: George: Emily spent her whole day looking after snotty kids at her work experience placement! Ha! Whereas, I spent the day in bed and completing the very important task of racing cars on Grand Turismo. I love being me.

Emily: Smug git! I feel like I've spent a month with those brats not a day!

George: The chapters will be a bit slower now Emily has to work. I would do them but I need lots of sleep!

Emily: I wonder how many reviews will say what a smug git you are!

Disclaimer: I own Kai and while I am borrowing Legolas who knows what kinkiness will ensue?!

Chapter Two – Wrong Direction 

The three traveling to Lothlorien had reached the Mirkwood border and were ready to cross the plains towards the Golden Woods. Well at least two of them were.

"I think we should go this way." Gestured Emily to the South.

"That way would take us to Gondor not Lòrien." Explained Legolas.

"Exactly."

"You do realize that when you say 'exactly' it does not explain what you mean." Reasoned Kai after noticing Legolas' exasperated look.

"We are going to Gondor." Stated Emily. "Why do you think we left so early?"

"Why and earth would we go to Gon…" It suddenly dawned on Legolas.

"What?" Kai waited impatiently for the conclusion to the current debate.

"George." Groaned Legolas.

"Hey! You could at least hide the contempt in your voice, he is your brother in-law!"

"I have nothing against George. However, I do not see why whenever we go somewhere we always have to get him first."

"Well he can't…no I had better not…"

"He can't what?" Pushed Kai.

"He can't travel on his own."

"He has hundreds of courtiers I can assure you he will not be alone." Sighed Legolas.

"He won't ask them to escort him, you know how stubborn he is."

"Why won't he travel on his own?" Asked Kai.

Emily was about to answer when the shiny blue/black color of Kai's hair distracted her.

"Shiny." She sighed.

"Excuse me?" Emily looked round to see Legolas staring down at her with eyebrows raised and nostrils flared.

"Urm…yo-yo's. They are shiny." Emily kicked herself mentally for this lame explanation.

"If Kai and I continue to Lothlorien you will not follow, will you?"

"Probably not." Admitted Emily.

"And you are sure George cannot travel on his own?"

"Most definitely."

"Fine." Sighed Legolas in defeat. "Kai will you be joining us? I know you only thought we would be traveling to Lòrien."

Kai thought for a moment. He did not like long journeys, it was not that he didn't like sleeping rough, it was more the fact that he was used to border patrols full of fights and skirmishes. The most he would have to contend with on this journey would be these two rutting like rabbits and the King of Gondor's renowned sarcasm.

Since the end of the war there had been less to removed Kai's never ending energy. He had taken to being Mirkwood's resident bicycle in hopes of relieving some unwanted oomph.

Kai looked at Emily who had begun to try and remove a greenfly from her riding jacket. For what seemed like endless minutes Emily battled with the infinitesimal creature eventually resulting in a cry of alarm as the bug flew in her eye.

If what he had heard from Legolas were true about the exploits of Emily and George during the War of the Ring, this journey would be a lot more adventurous than he had previously thought.

"Of course I'll join you." Kai announced although Legolas seemed more concerned about the increasing redness of Emily's eye.

…….

"It is wet." Said Emily.

"It is supposed to be." Replied Legolas.

"I'm not going near it!"

"It won't hurt you."

"Nope! Not happening."

"How about you just put one finger in it first and see how it feels." Reasoned Legolas.

"How about you put your own finger in it!"

"Emily!"

"But it is really deep."

"Emily we have to cross this river, a bit of water will not hurt you!"

(A/N: A course they were talking about a river! You all knew that, didn't you?!)

"Are you saying I smell?!"

"I am saying if you are not across that river in ten seconds I will throw you in." Threatened Legolas.

"You wouldn't dare."

Legolas being the ever-patient elf he was picked Emily up in one swoop and chucked her into the river. Emily being the ever flailing idiot that she was grabbed a fistful of Legolas' hair and pulled him in with her. Kai looked on in great amusement as the two emerged.

"I'm a distinct feeling of dejavu." Laughed Emily. "There must be a glitch in the matrix!"

"Would you like a hand my lord?" Grinned Kai as he offered a hand to Legolas who was trying to keep him and Emily afloat.

Kai lent forward, Emily noticing this seized the opportunity and pulled Kai into the clear Anduin.

"Hey look! Kai is wearing white too!" Giggled Emily as Kai turned a rather cute shade of pink.

"I think it would be best if we rested for the night. I fear Emily is much too mischievous mood today. Hopefully she will calm down after some sleep." Decided Legolas.

"I think that would be most wise." Agreed Kai as he rung out his hair.

"I am here you know!" Objected Emily as she floundered about.

"Perhaps we should restrain her." Suggested Kai.

Images of Legolas and Emily's honeymoon came flooding back to the pair and both had the graciousness to flush.

"I don't want to know." Kai shook his head and began to unburden the horses.

"Are you going to get me out of this river?"

Legolas pulled Emily out and set her in front of him. "You really should wear white more often." He smirked. This earnt him a tug on his right ear.

…..

"The King will see you now." Informed a guard.

Emily, Legolas and Kai entered the Citadel. The sight of a bouncing George greeted them as he let his slinky down the stairs to his throne for the eightieth time that day.

 "Everyone loves a slinky, everyone loves a slinky, go slinky go!" Sang George as finally the spring reached the bottom.

"This is the King of Gondor?!" Said an incredulous Kai.

"He is smarter than he looks." Whispered Legolas.

"How do you know?"

"Well the place is still standing." Shrugged Legolas.

"George!" Cried Emily as she wrestled her brother to the floor.

"Watch the robes!" Protested George.

"Quit your whining and give us a hug!"

George acquiesced.

"So you ready to go?" Inquired Emily.

"I am always ready. George is ready for another quest full of adventure and elf-maidens!"

"We're going to a gay wedding." Notified Emily.

"Oh." George pouted for a bit then eventually grinned. "Hey that means more females for me!"

"Come and meet Kai."

"What that dude from 'everyone loves Legolas'?" Asked George. (A/N: Go read – by Limpet666)

"Have you been reading my fanfiction again?"

"Nope." Lied George.

"Kai this is my brother George. George this is the rather dishy Kai."

Kai raised an eyebrow at his introduction but let it go and shook George's hand. Legolas was doing his best not begin an argument in the court of Gondor. Legolas' anger dissipated when George blurted,

"Are you gay?"

"Excuse me?!" Gasped Kai.

"I just thought I'd ask seeing as you are attending a gay wedding."

"Wait! You're going." Interrupted Emily.

"I have to I'm representing Gondor."

"Legolas is going." Continued Emily.

George held back the comment that had formed on the tip of his tongue. However, Emily had already anticipated his reaction.

…..

"You didn't have to give me a black eye." Pouted George.

"You insulted Legolas."

"I didn't say I word!"

Emily smiled innocently and mounted Tiny. George followed closely behind her on his horse Durex.

"I can't believe you called your horse Durex." Commented Emily.

"You can talk with Tiny there!"

"What's wrong with the name Tiny?" Asked Kai who was to the left of Emily and George.

"I take it she hasn't told you the horse's last name."

"What is it?" Asked Kai regretting it as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

"Johnson." Stated Emily.

"Tiny Johnson?" Repeated Kai, the joke obviously lost on him.

Legolas shook his head knowing full well the blatant crudeness of the joke after many a day spent in the company of Emily and George. 

"I suggest you leave it at that Kai." He said.

…..

A/N: Emily: Is it becoming too inane? Is that even possible? Well do not expect the journey to the wedding to go too smoothly. We have jealousy, anger, suspense and kidnap all still to come.

George: Why don't they just watch Eastenders?!

Emily: Shut-up!

 Thank yous  -

Pretendingtobesane – No disaster as of yet but you know us so it's not far away.

Limpet666 – You can join our Spaced cult! As for the whole Kai thing, we here in windy old Canterbury are loving your work! You rock!

Shadowz- How ya doing!? Go spread my love for Simon Pegg! You and your Lauri, what am I going to do with you? Glad your liking the sequel! TROGDOR!!!!!!!!

Chaotic Jinx – New reviewer! YAY and you're mad like us!!!!!!!! I am loving the praise you have seen fit to bestow upon me! George however, is pouting like Kiera Knightly for being called a dork. You know what boys are like when you deflate their egos! I hope you come back for more!

Meg – the- sexy- beast – Another new reviewer! YAY! I love Orlando Bloom too!!!!! Very much so, but from this you probably guessed that! Genius idea about Yoshie I had forgotten about that dragon! Zombie Aragorn will be attending the wedding but who knows with this fic when he'll randomly pop up. The magic bag will return when I write myself into a hole and need something ludicrous to get myself out of it.


	4. The essence of Orc

A/N: Emily: I am uber tired. I may have fallen asleep four times while writing this chapter so if I have missed any sections out I really apologize. I have tried to beta read it but my eyes won't stay open! Who thought getting up in the morning was a good idea?! George is gone again, his out looking for job (or so he says)!

Disclaimer: I own Kai feel free to use and abuse him. I also own the dingy little cave in this! Wow go me! Legolas however I have to return. Damn!

**Chapter Three – The essence of Orc.**

Emily began to cough violently causing the three males in the group to divert their attentions to her.

"Now that I have your attention I would like to point out one thing." Began Emily.

Legolas nodded for her to continue.

"If we don't take a fucking break this second I will be forced to fall off Tiny Johnson."

George held back a smirk.

"Orcs roam this passage, we cannot rest here. There is shelter a few miles from here that we can head for." Explained Legolas. Kai nodded in agreement.

"Didn't you hear me?! I can't move another inch without being blinded by excruciating pain!" Yelped Emily as she rolled off Tiny and plopped onto the floor.

"How about if you were on a Quad bike?" Put in George.

Legolas was forced to fall off his horse.

"Are you all right my lord?" Inquired Kai with a bemused look on his face.

All Legolas could do was nod as he reddened profusely.

"This is another one of those things I do not want to know isn't it?!" Cringed Kai.

George nodded.

"Why has everyone suddenly taken to nodding?" Asked Emily.

George shrugged.

Emily frowned.

George shrugged again.

Kai quirked an eyebrow.

Legolas opened his mouth to say something but fell short of anything coherent.

This chain of events went on for about twelve minutes until George finally cracked under pressure.

"Enough guys! What just happened there?"

Kai shrugged.

Legolas hit him around the head.

"I think we just experienced the essence of silence." Said a subdued Emily.

"Can we not do it again?" Asked a spooked out George.

Legolas and Kai nodded.

"Speak goddamn you!" Cried George.

Legolas and Kai's eyes widened in horror.

"Stop with the emphatic gestures!" Yelled Emily.

"Sssshh!" Hissed Legolas.

"No I will not 'sssshh'! I'm fed up with no noise, we need more noise!"

The ground began to rumble.

"See, nothing like a bit of noise to…" Emily never got to finish her sentence as Legolas clamped his hand over her mouth.

"Yrchs!" Jeered Kai.

"Speak English! Or Westron or whatever the chuffing language is that I'm yelling in now!" Snapped George.

"All right then! In your language, shut the fuck up!" Shouted Kai.

Legolas, Emily an George gaped in wonder.

"Wow, a pissed off elf!" Chanted George and Emily in unison.

"We do not have time for this." Legolas took action and hauled Emily onto Arod. "Kai! George come on!"

The three stallions powered on leaving Tiny Johnson to reluctantly follow. The loyalty of Emily's horse had already been tested a month previously after a rather unfortunate incident in Bree. An unconscious Emily had to be dragged home by Tiny after she stupidly agreed to a drinking competition against a dwarf with a belly twice the size of Santa's, but I digress…

"If we make it to that outcrop of rocks we will be able to hide them out my Lord." Suggested Kai.

"What outcrop of rocks?" Yelled George.

"Elvish eyes remember?!" Answered Emily as she winced with every movement of the horse.

"Em! I think it's my turn to fall off a horse!" Yelped George.

"Not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Well for one reason there are Orcs in pursuit. Secondly there will be another one of those bizarre series of events thingies."

George looked down as the plush grass moved beneath Durex's feet. He had a look on his face that suggested 'hey that looks comfy.'

Legolas sensing this tried to interject, "Do not even think about it!"

As with all great humorous stories he was too late.

George tumbled off, his fall cushioned by the effervescent pasture. Now by a bizarre series of events (A/N: Never saw that one coming!) the following happened:

Durex noticing the absence of a rider ground to a halt. Tiny being the ever aware and astute horse she was crashed straight into the rear of Durex. Arod having developed a slight crush on Durex over the last two days abruptly swung around too assess the damage done to his sweetheart. This action caused an unprepared Legolas to summon up all of his elvish grace to keep him on the horse. Emily, however, with no elvish grace or human grace for that matter was sent hurtling towards Kai. Kai whose sexual frustration had led him to disregard the situation found himself in a rather agreeable position underneath Emily on the floor. George who had been to pull Durex off Tiny Johnson suddenly noticed the look of murderous intent in Legolas' eyes as the elf strode towards the tangled limbs of Kai and Emily. George who had found Kai quite pleasant as a friend put on his hero garb and rugby tackled Legolas.

Now as bizarre series of events go this is the mother of all as it resulted in the group of four in rather a compromising position surrounded by Orcs.

"Bollocks!" Grumbled George.

…..

Kai and Legolas immediately jumped into elf action unsheathing swords and notching arrows.

George went into overprotective big brother mode and decided to holler profanities.

"Back to the pits that sporned you!" He cried.

"We will not be able to take them all my lord!" Whispered Kai in elvish.

"Why are they speaking elvish again?!" Snorted George.

"I reckon Kai just said 'we are all going to die best not worry the kids'" Groaned Emily in dismay.

The Orcs began to advance. Legolas instinctively stepped in front of Emily.

"Ahh that's so sweet." Gushed Emily despite the inappropriate timing.

"Bind their hands." Grunted one of the Orcs. "He wants them alive."

"Huh?" The extent of George's questioning was extraordinary.

Legolas and Kai who were seemingly too proud to be taken as prisoners fought back until eventually all four were split up and surrounded.

"Hey watch the robes!" Protested George as he was manhandled to the ground.

Legolas and Kai thrashed violently as the Orcs attempted to bind their hands.

Emily who had resigned to her fate just sat down and let the Orcs bind her hands on the proviso that they did not stand to close.

"Emily?!" Cried Legolas as on group of Orcs and their prisoner began to move away.

"I'm O.K hunny, at least I think."

……

The four were deposited in a dark cave while the Orcs took a break around a makeshift campfire.

Emily fumbled around in the darkness. She could feel something cold and hard against her back.

'I'm guessing that's a wall.' Thought Emily to herself.

She swung her bound hands around not knowing what she hoped to find.

"Ouch!" Yelped a voice.

"George?" Whispered Emily.

"You just gave me a dead arm you spaz!" Yelled George.

"Sorry."

"Emily?!" Came another voice.

"Legolas?"

Emily awaited an answer but instead found herself under a weighty object that seemed to be kissing her.

"Please tell me you are Legolas and not a horny Kai."

"I was so worried about you." Replied the voice of Legolas.

"Good to know." Sighed Emily.

"We are in a cave." Stated George.

"How do you know?"

"There's an echo, it's a cave or maybe a really large cupboard…"

_cupboard_

_cupboard_

"See." Finished George. "Hey! I found something."

"What is it?" Asked Legolas.

"Well, it is warm and kind of soft and…"

"You do realize you are groping my leg.!" Came the voice of Kai.

"Sorry man." George retreated sheepishly.

"Kai!" Cheered Emily.

"What is the plan my lord?" Asked Kai.

"As of now there isn't one. There are still too many Orcs. We cannot attack them and defend Emily and George at the same time." Sighed Legolas.

"Hate to burst your bubble oh prince hero guy, but it is my duty to inform you that Emily and I as fully fledged members of the once almighty Fellowship do not need you protection!" Announced George.

"Help!" Squeaked Emily and she felt and smelt Orcs begin to drag her away.

Legolas followed her cries but soon was stopped by a wall of Orcs.

"If you hurt her I'll…" Began Legolas.

"…hear her scream." Finished one of the Orcs with a smirked.

"We have to save her!" Cried George. "That's my baby sister! Why didn't you hear them coming? You're supposed to have super ears."

"Well maybe if you had shut up for long enough maybe we would have!" Argued Kai.

"This isn't helping!" Shouted Legolas distress evident in his voice.

….

"You do realize that this breeches every humanitarian right there is! Where are we going? And why am I the only one going there?" Emily hoped annoying them into letting her go would work.

"You are going to Him." Answered one Orc.

"He will see each of you." Said another.

"And so he should, I was feeling a case of attack on the blond female for a second there!"

"He will decide your fate, death, torture, a lifetime of pain." Snorted a random Orc.

"Who does He think He is?!" Protested Emily as she was dragged up some stairs.

"He will cast the shadow of death upon this world." An Orc grunted.

"He who lives at the back of a cave has no personal hygiene and is not averse to bondage. Your master isn't a vengeful Aragorn is He?"

…..

"There are only three Orcs guarding the exit, we will not have any problems in taking them." Observed Kai after the remaining three had scouted down the dark passageways.

"We are not leaving without Emily." Hissed Legolas and George.

"We cannot save her with the Orc numbers as they are. We must go for help." Reasoned Kai.

"Then you go! I'm staying here." Said Legolas slightly louder than the situation deemed appropriate.

"I'm staying too." Followed George.

"I cannot leave my Prince to fight alone." Yelled Kai.

"And if your Prince orders you to go will you disobey him?" Asked Legolas.

"No my lord."

"Then as your Prince but also as your friend I ask you to go and get aid."

"Yes my lord." Kai bowed and turned to leave but not before embracing his longtime friend.

….

"You will wait here."

Emily was pushed into a seated position onto a rather pointy rock.

"Do you mind?!" Objected Emily.

"You will wait here." Repeated the Orc.

"I heard! Would you mind telling me what exactly I am waiting for? And don't say 'Him' I'm sick of hearing about 'Him,'"

"He will see you when He is ready."

"Ready for what? On second thoughts I am quite content not knowing!" Emily groaned and placed her head in her hands. "This is ridiculous. You spend all that time and energy on destroying the One Ring then some asshole comes along and gets you kidnapped. There are no standards anymore."

"How do you mean?" Asked one interested Orc.

"Well, where are the one eyed villains with scary white cats and manic laughter. Where are the virgins in white dresses being kidnapped then rescued by hunky men on black steeds? You call these bindings?!" Emily gestured to the ropes tired haphazardly around her wrists. "No effort whatsoever was put into these! Where are the dungeons with chains attached to the walls? I want chains!"

"That can be arranged." Smirked the Orc.

…..

A/N: Emily: We hope this was slightly longer for you. Wow, action packed huh? Any questions comments are welcome as always so please review.

Thank yous:

Pretendingtobesane – Your right it was short. I hope this is long and chaotic enough for you.

Shadowz - how is hospital life treating you? You may see some of the kids I'm looking after in there after I hit when they say Busted are a rock band! Gggrrrrhhhh!!!! Hey we have another TROGDOR fan in Chaotic Jinx Yay rejoice! Crudeness rules.

Jade – Would I cheat on Legolas? As for George being gay you'll have to ask him but from the amount of girls lurking around my house AND GETTING IN MY WAY!!!!!!!! I don't think so.

Limpet666 – Ah my dear limpet how fair you? We are very honored by your comments, thankies!Hey I like Jebus he seems fun!

Chaotic Jinx – George now has the head the size of a waterlogged donkey after that cute comment! He sends his utmost thank yous and says the flowers are in the post. As for me the person thing is great I can talk, walk, and a few other exciting things! Loving your reviews and the fact that you're a fellow TROGDOR fan!!!! Hope this chappie was to your satisfaction.


	5. 379 rum bottles

A/N: George: Emily's decorating her room soon, so I've got stuck with clearing all her crap out.

Emily: It is not crap!

George: Debatable. Anyway keep those reviews coming it makes Emily happy, and when she is happy she makes me instant noodles!

Disclaimer: All breakages will be paid for.

**Chapter Four – Three hundred and seventy nine rum bottles.**

"So Mr. 'I can shoot arrows uber well and happen to be Prince of a whole bunch of elves' what is the plan?" Asked George.

"I have to think of a plan?" Asked Legolas in return.

"What were you going to do, stand there and look macho?"

Legolas was about to nod in the affirmative but thought better of it, "I do not see you formulating a plan."

"That is where you are wrong my little…elf…thing."

Legolas raised an incredulous eyebrow.

George continued, "I am the master of reason, delegation and a diplomatist."

"And?" Questioned a dubious Legolas who really didn't want to know where this was going.

"I shall just go up to the Orcs and simply persuade them that it is really is in their best interests to give Emily back."

"And you think that they will listen?" Legolas was now convinced that the boy was stupid.

"No not really. However, if I use Black Speech they won't just be listening they will be on their knees bowing to their new leader." Announced George.

"You can speak Back Speech?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am sure!"

"This is a stupid plan."

"Well it came above 'attack the Orcs with hummus' so I am sticking with it."

"I have no idea why I am agreeing to this, but seeing as it is the only plan we have and Emily would trust you with her life, let's go." Decided Legolas.

……

Emily was locked in the dungeons chained to a wall after her bout of foot in mouth syndrome.

"Three hundred and seventy nine rum bottles sitting on the wall, three hundred and seventy nine rum bottles sitting on the wall and if one rum bottle should accidentally fall there'd be three hundred and seventy eight rum bottles sitting on the wall."

"Please stop! You've been going since a thousand! I cannot take it anymore." Screamed a gravelly voice.

"Who's there!" Yelped Emily who thought she had been alone for the last four hours.

"Swear that you will stop that confounded song and I'll tell you who I am."

"It is the only thing keeping my brain intact so I think no. Three hundred and seventy eight rum bottles sitting on the wall and if one rum bottle should…"

And so the song resumed and the stranger remained exactly that, a stranger.

……

"There they are." Pointed out Legolas as George and he rounded the final corner of the dank passageway. "Are you positive you can speak Black Speech?"

"I am as positive in that I can speak Black Speech as you are in thinking you look good twenty four hours a day." Replied George.

Legolas and George approached the wall of Orcs as twenty black eyes locked on the uncertain blue stare of Legolas and the cool blue gaze of George.

"You should have stayed where you were." Grunted an Orc as it gripped its weapon tightly.

"Now would be a good time to start speaking." Whispered Legolas who was feeling slightly susceptible without his bow, quiver and white knives.

"Don't rush me," George took a deep breath.

Legolas prepared himself for the pain that took a hold over elves whenever the Black Speak was uttered.

The pain never came…

"You 'snort' must 'grunt' give 'snarl' Emily 'sneeze' back 'growl'." Said George.

Legolas put his head in his hands.

'Maybe they would like something more upbeat?' Thought George and so he sang;

"I felt the air rise up in me,

knelt down and cleared the stones and leaves,

I want to ride where you can't see,

Inside my shell I wait and bleed!"

"What are you doing!?" Cried Legolas.

"Black Speech!" Answered George as if Legolas was asking a stupid question.

"That was not Black Speech."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! What was it?"

"Slipknot."

"Slipknot?"

"I figured it was pretty much the same."

"Well it is not!"

"They seemed to enjoy it." George gestured to the Orcs who were now humming.

"I am glad you have successfully managed to entertain the enemy, may I suggest that while they are distracted we leave?!"

"Good plan."

This plan turned out to be not quite so good as George and Legolas were grabbed before they had even turned around. This resulted in Legolas head butting and knocking out a good few before he himself was knocked out by a blow to the back of the head.

George enthusiastically clapped Legolas' progress until he realized that eight Orcs were holding him where he proceeded to shout;

"Get off me you bummer!"

……..

"One hundred and two rum bottles sitting on the wall, one hundred and two rum bottles sitting on the wall and it one…"

Emily was interrupted by the sound of the cell door clunking open. She was greeted with the sight of an unconscious Legolas being thrown onto the floor and a flailing George shouting;

"Watch the robes!"

Emily began to frantically pull at her chains, "Legolas! You bastards what did you do to my elf?!"

"Hey Em! I knew I'd find you." Grinned George.

The door to the cell was slammed shut and locked.

George elated to see his sister ran towards her. Unfortunately he forgot about the elf on the floor and tripped sending him flying into something soft and warm.

"I should object but it has been an awfully long time." Cooed the stranger.

"Argh!" Screamed George as he shot three feet into the air. "Violation!"

"George you arse! Go help my elf." Cried Emily.

Though the combination Of George's cries of protest and Emily's hysterical screaming Legolas groggily came round. While adjusting to the newfound pain from his head Legolas had yet to open his eyes. George taking this as the elf was dead decided mouth to mouth resuscitation was the open option left to him, fueling to numerous rumors that George is gay.

"Argh!" Screamed Legolas as he shot three feet into the air. "Violation!"

'Dejavu.' Thought Emily.

"I was trying to help you!" Argued George.

"For the sake of Middle-earth and my reputation please stop helping!"

"Hi Legolas." Voiced Emily.

Legolas turned around, on upon seeing Emily he pulled that little cute face he does at the end of The Return Of The King.

"Emily!" Legolas flung his arms around her. "Thank the Valar you are all right."

"Well I am not going to be all right for long."

"Why not?" Asked George.

"Well apparently I have to see 'Him'."

"Who?"

"'Him'."

"Who 'Him'?"

"'HIM'!"

"Who is 'He'?"

"'Him!'"

"I'm not gay."

"Huh?"

"Just thought I'd clarify that."

"Whatever."

"So who's 'He'?"

"Just 'Him' all right!"

"Sorry." Pouted George.

"What else do you know?" Asked Legolas.

"Well, I was supposed to see 'Him' before but me and my big mouth rambling on about a penchant for chains got us put in here."

"Why do you have a penchant for chains?" Inquired George rather naively.

Legolas had the decency to turn crimson.

"Anyway," Emily avoided the question, "What are you two doing here, where is Kai?"

"Kai has gone to get help." Informed George.

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"I could not leave you here." Said Legolas.

"As incredibly romantic as that is, it is also incredibly stupid. You should have… Oh who am I kidding I'm glad you are here, it was getting a bit lonely in here with nobody to talk to."

"What about him?" George pointed at the stranger in the corner.

"No use, you can't get one word out of him." Answered Emily.

"I tried to…" Began the stranger but was interrupted by Legolas.

"Emily, do you know what he wants with us?"

"I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I've exhausted all my thinking cells deciding on whether or not the rum bottles sit or stand on the wall and now I need a hug."

Legolas obliged.

"So I take it that we are screwed then?" Said George as he sat down on the floor and found an interesting key amongst the straw.

"There must be something the Orcs have overlooked, they are not the smartest of beings." Pointed out Legolas.

"Yes, but we know nothing of the intelligence of 'Him'." Said Emily.

"Who?" Asked George.

"Shut up." Snapped the stranger.

"Maybe if we come up with a plan after I see 'Him'? We would have a better knowledge of what we are knee deep in." Suggested Emily.

"I will not let you go to 'Him'." Shouted Legolas. "Who knows what 'He' will do!"

"Well we don't really have that much choice hunny."

"Idea!" George bounced around joyfully. "The magic bag! You could summon up a key and unlock the cell, then we all could piss off."

"One problem, the Orcs took the bag when they took the weapons." Replied Emily.

"I know, I know! The bag we still produce whatever you summon. So summon up some fire and cook some Orcs ass!"

"And we can be burnt alive on this rather cheerful cell." Chirped Emily.

"There was no need to be sarcastic." George sat down and resumed playing with his recently acquired key.

"Maybe we could…" The cell door being swung open interrupted Emily.

Ten Orcs set their sights on the girl.

"You are to see 'Him' now." Stated an Orc.

Legolas stood in front of Emily refusing to move.

"Do not make me knock you out again elf." Said an Orc the distain evident in his voice.

"I'll be fine Legolas, honestly." Comforted Emily despite the fact that she was shaking so much that her chains were rattling.

"No!" I swore to protect you. I am your husband and I will not just stand by and do nothing."

George pushed Legolas out of the way.

"Look after yourself our kid." George said as Emily was taken away. "Now Legolas, before you beat the living crap out of me just hear me out. One way or another Emily was going to be taken to 'Him'. This way you don't get knocked out which means I don't get left alone with that stranger."

"You just handed your own flesh and blood over to Orcs, have you no heart or are you just stupid?" Shouted Legolas.

"You really don't have much faith in your wife, do you?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then trust her to take care of herself. She got along fine before you were here, she will get along fine now."

Legolas let out a long sigh and crumpled to the floor. George resumed playing with the key he found earlier.

…..

"Sit there, 'He' will join you shortly." Ordered one of the Orcs.

Emily was left alone to survey her surroundings.

She was seated upon on what could only be described as a lilac cube. The cave walls were covered with a cream fabric.

"'He' obviously reads the same interior design magazines as my mother." Said Emily out loud.

Her musings were abruptly stopped when the door to the cavern swung open to reveal 'Him.'

"You!" Gasped Emily.

…….

A/N: Emily: I wonder who it is?

George: The only one who knows you smeghead! She won't even tell me!

Emily: Oh before I forget I am supposed to clarify that George is not gay. I think it gives him an air of mystery but he disagrees.

George: Mystery my arse!

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

CourtneyNKay - I think you're awesome!

Chaotic Jinx - Yes we are based in Canterbury (Home of Orli!) England. Horny Kai - He is always horny, he is the Mirkwood bicycle. George isn't gay though I'm not ruling anything out! TROGDOR.

limpet666 - Say hi to Jebus for us. Good old horny Kai.

meg-the-sexy-beast - Can you guess who 'He' is yet? I like the Legolas and dark cave idea.

pretendingtobesane - The magic bag will return I promise!

Shadowz - You noticed the durex/tiny johnson line and we thought it wasn't that obvious!


	6. The Return of the Jedi

A/N: Emily: By royal appointment I have the esteemed position of announcing that George is NOT gay. Thank you for listening.

Disclaimer: Now would be a good time to also announce that we don't own anything other than yummy Kai and ourselves.

Chapter Five – Return of the Jedi.

"You seem surprised Emily." Smirked Eowyn.

"Not to sound stupid or anything but what with all this 'Him' business I was expecting someone of a more masculine disposition. Oh but I remember! You are a man, silly me to forget the irony of this 'Him' situation."

"I tried to get those brainless Orcs to forget the 'Him' business but I found myself at an intelligence block." Eowyn finished.

There was a long pause.

"This is the bit where you tell me why I am here and what your evil plan is." Explained Emily.

"Oh of course. Sorry I'm a bit new to this dark side affair. To be completely honest I don't really know where to start."

"All bad guys have…" Began Emily.

"Less of the guy part." Interrupted Eowyn.

"Sorry. All bad….um…folk have some reason why they are enacting pain and suffering upon certain individuals or the world. Injustice, pure madness, greed, revenge or bad underpants."

"Ooooh revenge!" Clapped Eowyn.

"Good start. Now, whom are you feeling particularly vengeful towards?" Asked Emily.

"You and your brother."

"Right." Emily gulped. "Any reason why?"

"Three reasons really. One: You made me a man. Two: Faramir will not date me because he has a crush on you. Three: My backup man was Boromir but he has found a sudden liking in males!"

"In my defense. One: The authors may have played a part in that. Two: I can't help who fancies me. Three: Who are you to stand in the way of true love? Oh and leading back to your first point, what with you being a man you could be right up Boromir's street." Argued Emily.

"Nevertheless I am holding you and George responsible."

"Well now would be the right time to lay out your evil plan of what you plan to do to us." Sighed Emily.

"I did have quite a good idea involving a traction cable and a bucket but in the end I thought the traditional beheading option would suffice."

"Are you sure madness isn't behind this?" Muttered Emily.

"You and your brother shall share this fate." Continued Eowyn.

"I'm sure he would thank you in your generosity! Wait a minute, if this is a personal vendetta against George and I why did you take Legolas and Kai captive?"

"I shall never forgive Faramir for the way he rejected me, therefore he must die. However, I could not do it myself. I figured if Legolas was led to believe you and Faramir had been having an affair he would do the job for me."

"He would never believe that!" Cried Emily.

"We shall see." Whispered Eowyn.

"And Kai?"

"That elf would shag a tree if it had a hole in it and I'm desperate."

"Fair enough." Decided Emily.

……

"I cannot just sit here waiting for them to bring Emily back!" Shouted Legolas who had taken to pacing up and down the dungeon.

"That's if they bring her back." Pointed out George who was becoming slightly dizzy watching Legolas pace up and down.

Legolas sent him a glare.

"We need a plan." Announced George as he slipped the key he had found into his robes.

"I have had enough of your plans." Snapped Legolas.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist. It's not my fault 'He' is an evil bigot!"

Legolas ignored George as he inspected the door to the dungeon.

"It doesn't look that strong. Maybe if I…" Legolas shoulder rammed the door.

Smack. The door buckled slightly but did not open.

"Wow you are quite strong for a weedy looking guy." Remarked George.

"I do not suppose it would be too much trouble for you to help your majesty?" Said Legolas through gritted teeth.

"Let me see." George began his own scan of the door. "This keyhole here it looks like it would need a hefty key to unlock it."

"Your point?"

"I don't know it just seems familiar." George gave up on the idea, took a run up and threw himself into the door. "Ouch!" George bounced off the door.

Legolas continued to batter the door down but gave up when something in his shoulder made a weird crunching noise.

…..

"So this beheading then, when may I ask is it taking place?" Asked Emily.

"Midnight." Answered Eowyn.

"And how is it being done? Equipment wise."

"I don't understand."

"Axe, sword, shotgun or have you come over all French and have purchased a guillotine?"

"Oh right, a sword, the sword of Theoden."

"I never liked him." Grumbled Emily.

…..

George had resumed playing with his key.

"I wonder if Kai is returning with help." Mused Legolas aloud.

"How did you and Kai meet?" Asked George not because he was interested but out of sheer boredom.

"His father is one of my father's best councilors. He was born a day before me so we grew up together, the only time we have really been apart is during the quest of…" Legolas paused. "What is that?"

"What?"

"That gold thing in your hand."

"What gold thing?"

Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"Oh this gold thing!" George held up the key. "It's a key."

"I can see that. Where did you get it?"

"I found it on the floor."

"When?"

"About when we arrived."

"And you didn't think that maybe it might be the key that could get us out of here?"

"No, that would be too obvious."

Legolas got up and snatched the key from George.

"Hey! That's my shiny thing." Protested George as he followed Legolas to the door.

Legolas put the key in the lock and turned it.

Clunk. The door swung open.

"Ooooh it worked." Chirped George.

Legolas sent him a disapproving glare. "We have been stuck in here while you held the key we needed to GET OUT!"

"So it would seem." Gulped George.

Legolas collected his weapons, which had been laid out further down the corridor.

"They took Emily this way, come on." Legolas began his way down the narrow paths of the cave.

"I'll catch you up, I just want to see if I can find the magic bag." George scuttled off in the opposite way.

Most of the Orcs guarding Eowyn's room had left to guard the entrance to the cave. Four were left snoozing around the door as Legolas approached.

…..

"Do you really think your going to behead both George and me?" Asked Emily.

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"Well, if the force of Sauron had trouble getting rid of us, you and your sword don't have much of a chance."

"There is no way you can escape your fate now. Your luck has run out."

"I'm just saying that I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

"Excuse me?"

"Who knows what will happen if you kill us. There might be an imbalance in the force and everything will turn purple. People would have to start calling you Darth Eowyn. Think how hard it'll be to get and a guy with a lame name like that!"

"You are just trying to worm your way out of this." Accused Eowyn.

"Correct. Did it work?"

"Not really…" There was a large crash from outside. "What was that?"

"Why are you asking me?"

Eowyn ran to the door and pushed it open slightly. She was greeted with the sight of four dead Orcs and an extremely pissed off Legolas.

"Eowyn!" Shouted Legolas in surprise.

Eowyn tried to slam the door shut but was no match for the speed of an elf.

"Yay my savior!" Cheered Emily who began to dance.

Legolas threw Eowyn to the ground. "Emily come on!"

"Hang on." Emily strolled up to Eowyn. "That is what you get for holding a royal princess hostage a kick in the backside."

"I haven't had a kick in the backside." Snarled Eowyn who was trying desperately to get up despite the fact that Legolas foot was placed on her neck.

"Not yet." Grinned Emily as she gave Eowyn exactly that: a kick in the backside.

Legolas rushed Emily out of the room and sealed the door shut with one of the Orcs' scimitars.

"Where's George?" Asked Emily frantically.

"He went to look for the magic bag. He went towards the entrance which is where I am guessing are the rest of the Orcs, we must hurry."

……

"Here little baggy, come to Georgie." Called George.

George rounded a corner and was temporarily blinded by the daylight that shone through the entrance. As he slowly regained sight he noticed two things. The magic bag lay at his feet and thirty Orcs were approaching him fast.

George picked up the bag, "What do I need, what do I need?!"

Then it came to him, the ultimate in weaponry, and every boys dream.

"Magic bag I want a light saber." As George uttered those immortal words he felt a strange presence surround him. "Fear me for now I am more powerful than you can imagine."

The Orcs looked at each other for reassurance as George switched on his light saber.

"I am now a Jedi." Whispered George to himself as he approached the jittery Orcs.

…..

Both Legolas and Emily could hear sounds of a fight as they neared the exit.

"Stay here. I will help your brother but I need to know that you are safe." Said Legolas.

"I'm safe." Smiled Emily.

"Then you will stay?"

Emily nodded.

Legolas disappeared round the corner.

"Stay here that is what I shall do." Said Emily to herself hoping dearly that her brain had not noticed that they were alone. "I can do this. Just stand still, this is easy."

'Why aren't we moving?' Asked Emily's brain.

"Damn! Why can't you just leave me alone?"

'You didn't answer my question.'

"Legolas said I should stay here until it is safe."

'And you agreed to that?!'

"Yes."

'You'll never be able to do it.'

"I was doing just fine before you showed up!"

'I think we should go investigate how Legolas and George are doing.'

"No we have to stay here!"

'Why?'

"Because it is not safe."

'You who went to Mount Doom are saying that a few Orcs pose a threat to you. Have you no dignity?'

"You're not going to shut-up until I move are you?"

'Nope.'

"Fine but as soon as we see them we are coming back agreed?!"

'Agreed.'

Emily followed the sounds of the battle until they died down when she reached the final corner. Emily could see the silhouettes of Legolas and George upon the wall. However, something was not completely right with George's shadow, there was a long object that seemed to be protruding from his pelvic region. Emily listened to their conversation.

"It's really long and shiny." Remarked Legolas.

"It's quite impressive isn't it?" Said George.

"Very. Does it always make that noise when you swing it?"

"Yeah. Would you like to hold it?"

Emily had heard enough. Random, disturbing thoughts flooded her brain. The clearest one was that Legolas was having an affair with HER BROTHER!

Before any rational conclusion could be formulated by Emily's brain she began to run in the opposite direction floods of tears streaming down her face. Emily ran and ran not paying attention to where she was going until she was enveloped in a pair of strong arms. Emily tried to scream but a hand silenced her.

"Ssssh it is me." Whispered Kai.

"Kai? I thought you went to get help." Sniffed Emily.

"Long story."

Emily raised an eyebrow.

"I got to Mirkwood and the entire army refused to help me."

"Why would they do that?" Asked Emily.

"They seemed to think that I had slept with all their wives."

"Why would they think that?"

"Because I did." Answered Kai truthfully. "So I came back to help but it seems you three had it pretty much under control. I entered at the back to find you. I couldn't see you at the entrance, what are you doing here?"

"Urm…well…I…" Emily started crying again.

"Hey, it's ok. What's wrong?" Comforted Kai.

"Legolas and George. They…they…are…"

"Yes?"

"Sleeping together." Finished Emily with a loud sob.

Kai starting laughing.

"What's so funny?!" Shouted Emily.

"Your being serious?!" Gasped Kai. "Are you sure?"

"I overheard a rather disturbing conversation. What am I going to do Kai?"

"I'm here for you. Legolas must be stupid to let you down."

"I cannot stay in Mirkwood nor can I go to Gondor. I don't know what to do."

"I'll look after you." Promised Kai.

"Why would you do that?" Asked Emily.

"Ever since I met you I liked you."

Emily was still in Kai's arms as the elf leant down and brushed his lips against hers just as Legolas turned the corner.

…….

A/N: Emily: I'm in trouble! He He He!

George: Slut.

Emily: Just could you ain't getting any! Well guys what do you think? I feel we are becoming slightly serious! Say something funny George!

George: Emily still has Barbie dolls.

Emily: I hate you. Here are the thank yous:

Poolbum – New reviewer! Yay! Here is your update.

Shadowz – I like that band! Jack Sparrow does have a cameo but you'll have to wait a bit for it. You know me too well. George is very honored to have met you as a fellow Trogdorien. Oh you will be pleased I am listening to The Rasmus, Guilty as I write this.

Ayiicaalimé – Sorry oh gracious Slipknot Queen. It took me at least twenty minutes to guess what Corey was yelling about! We shall see each other again when you return from Germany!

Pretendingtobesane – I think at the moment Emily needs to summon up something to abate Legolas' anger before poor Kai meets an untimely doom.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – The truth about George's sexuality has hopefully been revealed. You now know who 'He' is but we have gone and left you with another cliffy! Nasty us!

CourtneyNKay – George is celebrating the fact that you think he is Hott!

Lil'Smartass – I will shove all the apostrophes up your lil'smartass if you don't quit it with the grammar niggling! Yes we did realize Arod and Durex are both males but love cannot be stopped.

Limpet666 – Kai is back! Please forgive us Jebus, we will get you a kiss from Kai.


	7. Died and gone to heaven

A/N: Emily: It's been a dull week in the Emily and George household, train sets aside (don't ask), hopefully this is not reflected in this chapter, which was weirdly hard to get out. I think our funny genes have gone missing, if you find them please would you pop a stamp on them and return them. Oh thank you too everyone who has reviewed the first story since we finished it!

George: God I'm bored! If anyone out there has any genius ideas that two lazy layabouts in the Southeast England vicinity can broaden their horizons with sends us an email.

Disclaimer: Emily is still owned by our parents but I am a free eighteen year old with no morals and no money (oh and no LOTR characters). 

Chapter Six – Died and gone to heaven.

'Soft, moist, good amount of pressure and NOT LEGOLAS!!!!!' Thought Emily as she pushed Kai off her and fell to the floor with a bump.

"I am sorry I shouldn't have done that." Apologized Kai quickly.

"Who do you think you are the Prince of Mirkwood?!" Shouted Emily.

"That would be me." Said Legolas with an icy tone.

"Legolas!" Gasped Kai. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough."

"Now I can explain…" Began a jittery Kai.

"You don't have to explain to him Kai." Yelled Emily. "I don't want anything more to do with him."

Emily stood steadfast as Legolas' heated demeanor crumpled to reveal that cute pained expression he did when Gandalf fell in Moria.

"I don't understand." Spoke Legolas quietly.

'He is going to cry!' Yelped Emily's brain. 'You made Legolas cry! You bitch!'

While Emily continued to listen to the ranting on of her brain Kai decided to fill Legolas in.

"She overheard your conversation with George."

"What conversation?"

"A conversation that let slip your little secret."

Legolas turned towards Emily, "George told me not to tell you, he said you wouldn't like it."

"To bloody right I don't like it!" Screamed Emily.

"I didn't know you would feel this strongly about it. It started off harmlessly, but then I joined the club, got the outfits and all those balls."

"I am going to be sick." Gulped Emily.

"I'm sorry, I'll give it up I promise." Pleaded Legolas.

"And what about George?"

"He'll understand and so will the rest of them."

"Rest of them?!" Screeched Emily.

Legolas nodded.

"Kai we are leaving!" Announced Emily.

"Do you not love me enough to overlook a sport?" Asked Legolas softly.

"If that's what you call it!"

"What else would you call golf?"

"Huh?"

"Golf is a sport isn't it?"

"Yes. You play golf?!" Asked Emily extremely confused.

"I thought you knew, what with the secret being let out."

"Not that secret!" Yelled Emily. "Wait a second, you play golf?! I hate golf!"

"Then what secret?" Asked Legolas.

"You and George sleeping together." Finished Kai.

The pained expression left Legolas face to be replaced with complete and utter incredulity.

This was probably the most inopportune moment for George to enter but alas he did.

"Whom am I sleeping with?" He asked.

"Legolas!" Screamed Emily as she attempted to strangle her brother.

"What in all that is holy and made of mash potato gave you that ludicrous and frankly quite mad idea?" Laughed George.

"I heard you talking about your long, impressive thing that made noises when you moved it!"

"You mean this?" George let out his light saber.

Emily's mouth formed an 'o' shape.

Kai shook his head in bemused amusement.

Legolas put his head in his hands and looked at Emily disbelievingly.

George patted Emily on the head patronizingly.

"There is one thing I have always tried to teach you dear sister." Began George, "To come up with an idea there has to be a thought process behind it. You have distinctly bypassed this process and have trashed all ways of thinking causing this rather embarrassing situation. Now is there anything you would like to say?"

"I'm sorry Legolas." Whispered Emily.

"Anything else?" Hinted George.

"I can't believe you made Legolas play golf!" Emily hit George over the head. "Golf is so lame!"

"Watch the robes! So everything is cool now?"

"It is cool." Smiled Legolas as he hugged Emily.

"So we can get out of here?" Asked George hopefully.

"Yes we c…" Suddenly Legolas' eyes became murderous. He turned to Kai, "You kissed my wife."

"I don't suppose you could neglect that situation?" Whimpered Kai.

"No I don't think I could."

Legolas lunged at Kai but the dark haired elf slipped out of the way and began to leg it. Legolas was straight away into pursuit as the two elves left the cave into the surrounding muddy fields.

"Don't you think we should stop them before someone gets hurt?" Suggested George.

"Not until…ah there we go."

Due to afore said muddy fields Legolas and Kai found themselves grappling on the floor in the mud.

"Urm Emily…why are they all of a sudden shirtless?" Observed George.

"It is my fanfiction I can do what I like." Smiled Emily enjoying the sight before her.

"Can they stop now?" Pleaded George.

"I think I've died and gone to heaven." Sighed Emily.

Unfortunately heaven had to be postponed as a homicidal Eowyn came crashing out of the cave.

"You bitch! The males were supposed to be mine!" Cried Eowyn manically.

"How rude." Pouted Emily.

"We were up against Eowyn?!" Grimaced George.

Emily nodded. "Face it dude, you lost fair and square."

"I never lose!" Eowyn placed an arrow on her bow and took aim at Legolas. The arrow was released.

"LEGOLAS!!!!" Screamed Emily.

…….

A/N: Emily: Do not panic you will not have to wait a week to find out what happens. To make up for the shortness of this chapter the next one will be posted tomorrow.

Thank yous:

Shadowz – I love innuendo! I was actually genuinely scared by your threat! I have seen the vid and it is immense, However, George has other ideas and I quote, "The Rasmis are shit." I tried to hit him but the little bugger is too quick.

Limpet666 – Kai is well up to kissing both you and Jubus.

Lil Smartass – I figured what with you being obsessed with apostrophes you might appreciate one! You called me a Mary-Sue this means stage one of you demise is being put into action.

Poolbum – kisses from Kai all around.

Pretendingtobesane – You will like the next chapter there are two deaths in it!

Meg-the-sexy-beast – We do get Miriam here but I never watched it. We are going through a Star Wars faze here at psycho international (as we affectionately call our home).

Jade – Despite all innuendo and hints George isn't gay. His girlfriend told me so.

CourtneyNKay – Kay sounds like the perfect person to head George's new 'I am not gay' campaign.

Ed-the-female – Thank you for reviewing our other story! We love Red Dwarf  and yes we also adore Balckadder!


	8. Deathus Maximus

A/N: George: Are you ready for two deaths?!

Emily: This note is being written before we write the chapter so funnily enough we haven't decided whom we are killing off.

George: We'll just have to see how it goes!

Emily: This cannot be a professional way of writing!

Disclaimer:                      (see that space, there is nothing there, it signifies what we own).

Chapter Seven – Deathus Maximus

The arrow seemed to move in slow motion as it headed directly for Legolas' heart.

"Oh no will nobody save him!" Cried George sadistically.

"Use the Force!" Screamed Emily to her brother.

George raised his hand in true Jedi warrior style and pulled a face akin to constipation.

"It's not working!" Yelped George as the arrow continued on its path.

"Concentrate!" Yelled Emily.

George concentrated all his energy force towards the arrow. The arrow began to deflect from its course now heading towards Legolas' long sword (and the hilted kind either)

"Put it back up!" Screeched Emily. "I want that in pristine condition!"

George tried again, this time succeeding in changing the arrows course completely. Unfortunately, the arrow was now hell bent on skewering George.

"GEORGE!!!" Cried Emily.

"EMILY!!!" Yelped George.

"GEORGE!!!" Shouted Legolas.

"LEGOLAS!!!" Yelled George.

"KAI!!" Hollered Kai randomly.

"DONKEY!" Added Donkey.

In this moment of confusion where everyone gaped at the talking donkey the arrow hit George.

"Priceless." Slurred George as he collapsed.

"GEORGE!" cried Emily again.

Interlude….

This is the point when the first difference of opinion strikes our authors. The decision of who should be thrown from Middle-earth in a glorious death scene to join the likes of The Sheriff of Nottingham, Jack Dawson from Titanic and the aliens in Independence Day has still yet to be reached. Are you feeling the suspense yet?

…..

Emily knelt beside her brother tears already spilling down her cheeks.

"GEORGE!" Emily shook her fists to the sky in true Hollywood style.

A small cough came from George.

"George! You're still alive. How is this possible?"

"I feel fine, a little winded but other than that I'm great." Croaked George.

"But how?" Asked Legolas as he helped George up.

Legolas' question was asked when a small furry bundle fell to the ground from under George's robes.

"LINCOLN!!!!!!!!!" Cried George.

"Screaming out each others names does not seem to be helping." Pointed out Kai.

George picked up his tiny monkey friend and cradled him closely. Lincoln's eyes opened briefly as the small primate glanced fondly at his owner one last time honored that he had saved his master's life.

"Ooooh Aaah Oooh." Coughed Lincoln.

"What did he say?" Asked Emily solemnly.

"He said 'It was an honor to serve you my lord.' "

"Rest my less evolved friend. We shall lay you to rest at sea where you shall join your forefather after his unfortunate shrimping accident." Whispered George.

Lincoln cooed softly as he shut his eyes never to open them again.

One by one Legolas, Kai, Emily and George turned towards Eowyn murderous intent glowing fiercely in their eyes.

Legolas and Kai let out an elvish insult with dated back since the dawn of time.

Emily yelled, "What a bitch!"

George could only manage a gorilla like grunt followed by a large amount of spit.

Eowyn glanced around for any way to escape. Seeing the hopelessness of her situation she began to run.

"Legolas shoot her!"

Legolas took no more persuading and took aim. The arrow with no help from Jedi George struck Eowyn in the Achilles heel.

"Good shot Paris." Snickered George.

"Huh?" Asked a confused Legolas.

"Never mind."

"So what do we do with her then?" Asked Kai pointing at the squirming Eowyn.

"I have a cunning plan." Grinned George.

"How cunning?" Asked Emily.

"It is as cunning as a fox who is professor of cunning at Oxford university."

"That cunning eh? So what's the plan?"

"Em could you rustle me up an Apothecary?"

"Here you are?" A small wrinkled man was presented to George.

"I don't suppose you've got any fake dead potion."

"Why yes young man. This shall bring about all the effects of death."

"Thank you. You can go now." George stepped away from the odd smelling man who was attempting to get back in the bag.

"We are not in Romeo and Juliet George." Scoffed Emily.

"I don't fancy listening to that whining cow all the way back to Lothlorien!" Exclaimed George.

"And why would she be coming back to Lothlorien with us after what she has done." Spat Legolas.

"She wanted Aragorn so badly she can have him." Grinned George.

"But Aragorn is a Zombie he will eat her…oh…nice one!" Laughed Emily.

"Sleep tight." Smirked George as he forced the liquid down her throat. "Next time you wake up you may feel slightly limbless, actually scrap that, I doubt you'll see daylight again." And with that Eowyn was lost from fandom.

"So?" Sighed Emily.

"Sooo?" Hummed George.

"Is this going to result in another essence of silence because I for one would much rather avoid that." Said Kai.

"I suppose we should make our way to Lothlorien for the wedding." Suggested George.

"I don't think the Princess of Mirkwood and the King of Gondor turning up with two muddy elves is appropriate for a marchwarden's and stewards wedding." Pointed out Emily. "I think some sponging is in order. Come on Legolas it is bath time!" Legolas gratefully accepted this prospect. Kai looked down at his muddy self as Legolas and Emily disappeared then glanced at George with questioning eyes.

"Oh no you don't elf dude. There are already way to many rumors about me without you adding to them." Protested George.

…..

"I don't want to walk anymore." Moaned Emily.

"If George hadn't scared off the horses we wouldn't have to!" Grumbled Kai.

"How was I supposed to know the lightsaber would do that?!" Defended George as the four travelers trundled along the brown lands towards the Anduin.

"When we reach the river Emily can get us some boats and we can make our way to Lòrien by water." Concluded a frustrated Legolas who had been left with the job of hauling a kinda dead Eowyn with them.

…..

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do we swim swim swim…" Sang Emily happily.

It had been two hours since they had began their journey by water and Emily had found many ways to keep herself occupied much to Kai's annoyance.

"Remind me again why Emily is in my boat and not yours." Questioned Kai to Legolas who's own boat resided slightly ahead of Kai's.

"Emily refused to be in a boat with a corpse. Do not think I am happy about you two being in a boat together, I haven't forgotten what you did."

"Legolas I am truly sorry for that. I know that my track record is not doing me any favors but I respect you as my best friend and as my Prince. I swear it would have not gone any further." Promised Kai.

"No eating here tonight, no eating her tonight, you on a diet, you on a diet…" Broke in Emily completing her works of Nemo.

…..

The boats arrived in Lòrien on the eve of the wedding. Boromir, his brother Faramir and the twins of Rivendell greeted the four.

"Boz me man!" Yelled George as he embraced his best friend.

"How are you my dear friend? And how is Gondor?" Asked Boromir.

"We are both still standing so can't complain."

"Hi Faramir." Giggled Emily.

"Welcome to Lòrien, lady Emily. To tell you the truth we were a bit worried about you, we expected you earlier." Said Faramir.

"We were unexpected delayed." Kai motioned towards Eowyn.

Faramir let out a visible shudder. "Is she dead?"

"As good as." Said Legolas. "Zombie Aragorn wouldn't happen to be here would he?"

"He came with Elrohir and I." Answered Elladan.

"Well then it is his lucky day." Grinned George.

"Where is Haldir?" Inquired Emily.

"We are not to see each other the night before the wedding." Smiled Boromir coyly.

"So when's the bachelor party?" Asked George.

Boromir looked at the Gondorian King in confusion.

"Hen party?" Asked Emily.

Emily and George were faced with blank looks.

"These are essentials for weddings!" Yelled George.

"I do not recall a bachelor party before my wedding." Said Emily.

"With the amount you drunk that night I'm not surprised!"

Legolas furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Emily we have a job to do here. You take the hen night I'll sort the bachelor party." Announced George.

"Which one is the hen?" Asked Emily.

"I'll take Boromir you take Haldir."

"Alright."

"It is time to educate them." Said George with an evil grin.

…..

A/N: Emily: Phew that was a hard one to write. Oh well bring on the parties!

George: I would just like to mention that Em and me aren't speaking at the moment over an argument about who should die. Emily being the sadistical cow she is wanted to kill Kai. You may thank me for saving him in your reviews. 

Emily: It would have been an immense death scene but you wanted to go with the monkey!

Thank yous:

Shadowz – I am afraid we have reached Lothlorien but there is still some more fun to be had before the wedding and the end of this sequel. George apologizes for his little outburst about The Rasmus and says he doesn't know how to spell denial.

Limpet666 – You now know who dies, personally I would have thought Kai dieing would have been better, what do you think? I hope Jebus' body works out OK.

Poolbum – Now I want to know about this Haldir thing!

Pretendingtobesane – Oh presents! It wasn't as morbid as I hoped but hey death is death.

CourtneyNKay – The funny genes have been found but are on recharge, after a few hours of Monty Python George and I shall be fully equipped to write the bachelor and hen nights.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – Well we are back in Lothlorien now so Naked Elves may well be on the cards! Yum Rum!


	9. Naked Elves Revisited

A/N: Emily: Get your party hats at the ready it is time for the ultimate in hen nights and stag dos!

George: Again we have fallen into the habit of writing the author note before the chapter so we are just as excited as you! However, it does mean that things could get a little crude, but what with this being R rated let the uncouthness reign supreme.

Emily: So be prepared for booze, strippers and shocking revelations. (Not to mention not one but hopefully seven naked elves by the end of this chapter.)

Disclaimer: Kai has filed for a divorce so we are back to owning nothing.

Chapter Eight – Naked Elves revisited.

"Right now repeat after me." Began George.

The King of Gondor was surrounded by an ensemble of wedding guests that were about to embark on the stag do of a lifetime. Boromir, Elladan, Elrohir, Legolas, Kai, Aragorn the Zombie, Celeborn, Rumil, Orophen, Merry and Pippin all prepared themselves for what was about to come.

"I swear that no activity…"

"I swear that no activity…" Repeated everyone.

"…that takes place on this most holy of nights…"

"…that takes place on this most holy of nights…"

"…be it illegal or otherwise…"

"…be it illegal or otherwise…"

"…shall be spoken of outside this newly formed brotherhood…"

"…shall be spoken of outside this newly formed brotherhood…"

"…if I should ever break this pact…"

"…if I should ever break this pact…"

"…I will be punished by the God of fun himself." Finished George.

"Who's the God of Fun?" Asked Pippin.

"Just repeat it!" Snapped George.

"…I will be punished by the God of fun himself." Finished everyone.

"Now that is done it is time to begin the party." Rejoiced George. "Boromir my good man what is first on the agenda?"

Boromir pulled out a long list, planning out the evening's events, which George had meticulously prepared the moment he and Emily had taken up the challenge of educating the people of Middle-earth.

"Pub crawl." Stated Boromir.

"Ahh excellent!"

"Urm…George…" Began Legolas.

"Yes."

"Lothlorien doesn't have any pubs." Gently informed the elf.

"Well it is a good job we are not staying in Lothlorien then."

Eleven sets of eyebrows rose.

"With the help of the trusty magic bag we are equipped with the ultimate in light speed travel." Announced George.

A blue squiggly hole appeared out of nowhere.

Legolas and Kai were too used to George by now to be surprised so left it to the rest of the guys to gape in awe.

"What is it?!" Shrieked Pippin.

"This is the answer to our lack of pubs problem, it is a wormhole. Let the education commence!" George jumped into the hole and was shortly followed by a somewhat reluctant and nervous group of random males.

……

"Ooooh Haldir we are going to have so much fun!" Squealed Emily as she began to unpack her party pack of hen night essentials.

Present at the party was Haldir of course, Arwen, Galadriel, Frodo, Sam, Gandalf and Gimli.

"I still don't see why I have to be here!" Snorted an indignant Gandalf.

"You are lucky you got an invitation at all!" Retorted Emily which affectively shut-up the wizard.

"What about Sam and I? We aren't supposed to be at this party." Said Frodo.

"De Nile is not only a river in Egypt." Muttered Emily.

"And what about me?! What am I doing here?" Grunted Gimli.

"Look guys you really don't want to be at that stag do. We are going to have a wicked time."

"Do you know what your brother is planning?" Asked Arwen worriedly. "I do fear that Zombie Aragorn might find it all a bit overwhelming."

"I wouldn't worry about Aragorn, it is the elves of the party I would feel sorry for." Said Emily cryptically.

"Whatever do you mean?!" Asked Galadriel whose husband had joined the group George had named The Lusty Twelve.

"Let us just say that George has planned something to relieve the elves of some of that elvish pride they all have in abundance."

"Are you not worry about Legolas?!" Asked Haldir.

"Not really, I've been promised a picture!" Giggled Emily refusing to reveal anymore.

"What's that?!" Cried Sam as Emily pulled out another object from her party pack.

"It is a pair of handcuffs." Said Emily innocently.

Sam and Frodo promptly fainted.

"Are they going to do that all evening? I haven't even brought out the stripper yet!" Whined Emily.

…..

After two hours of continuous boozing on The Green Dragon's finest ale the spirits of The Lusty Twelve were sky rocketed.

"Next round Legolas versus Kai." Shouted George as he lined up the shots.

The two elves sat opposite each other challenge and pride evident in their eyes.

"Three, two, one…" Counted down the group in a raucous call.

Legolas and Kai promptly began to down all fifteen shots that were lined in front of them. Kai extremely experienced in the art of drinking beat Legolas by one shot. The afore mention shot, however did not get away as Legolas proceeded to dunk the contents over Kai's immaculate kept hair.

"Hey!" Cried Kai.

"Whoops." Grinned Legolas.

Kai lunged at the Prince overly confident about the fact that he could still walk. Legolas stepped out the way and watched as Kai fell to the ground and promptly passed out.

"One down six to go." Whispered George to himself.

"I think maybe we should move onto the next pub." Suggested Boromir.

"Good plan the stripper is waiting there."

"Stripper!" Shouted Elladan and Elrohir in glee and began a full on sprint to the wormhole.

The rest followed, Merry and Pippin at a slightly slower pace as they dragged Kai along.

…….

"I think you should stick it to Frodo. It will serve him right for fainting constantly." Laughed Galadriel.

"No, no, no I will not let you do that to Mr. Frodo, I will not have you damage his honor with that…that…that." Stammered Sam.

"It's a dildo Sam." Informed Emily bluntly.

Sam fainted.

Arwen and Galadriel continued to giggle as they braided Gimli and Gandalf's hair.

"So what else are we going to do?" Asked Arwen as she finished off a perfect herringbone plat.

"Well the stripper is due any second and then some truth or dare. The two grooms will be sent to bed ready for their big day and then the two parties will join for a game of spin the bottle!"

"Ooooh!" Squealed Arwen in delight. "This is ever so fun, people should get married more often!"

"I do have to admit this is rather enjoyable." Commented Haldir who was reclining peacefully with a rum and coke in his hand

A manly cough was heard coming out from behind a tree. Emily grinned and quickly went to talk to the man behind the tree.

A minute later she emerged.

"Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you…The Stripper!"

Emily took her seat with the others as Hot Chocolate's 'You sexy thing' began.

The stripper stepped out dressed in what seemed to be a mock up of a police uniform.

"Faramir!" Cried Haldir as he turned to Emily. "I cannot see Faramir naked!"

"Why not?" Yelled Emily as Faramir continued to strip divesting himself of his shirt.

"He is Boromir's brother! I cannot see him naked before I see Boromir naked."

"You haven't seen Boromir naked?!"

"We wanted to wait until we were married."

"You really are gay!" Grinned Emily. "Look shut your eyes while us girls have some fun."

And the girls had enormous fun as Faramir continued his extremely alluring strip. It was all Emily, Arwen and Galadriel could do to stop themselves following the hobbits' example and fainting as the Faramir pulled off his red leather thong only to cover his particulars a split second later with his police hat. Faramir took a dramatic bow as the girls whooped and clapped wildly.

 "Can I join the bachelor party now?" Asked Faramir shyly.

"Of course and I promise I won't tell a soul!" Giggled Emily.

"Why did you have to choose Faramir?" Groaned Haldir as he finally opened his eyes.

"Well it was a choice between him and Eomer, and no offence to Eomer but he is hardly David Wenham material!"

"So who is up for some truth and dare?!" Announced Galadriel who was also trying to wake up Gandalf, Gimli, Frodo and Sam from their unconscious states.

……

"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cried Elladan as his twin brother lent in to kiss some woman he had met at the bar.

Elrohir distracted by his brother apologized to the woman and went to see what was wrong.

"I was busy!" Yelled Elrohir.

"Dude that was a dude!"

"Huh?"

"You were about to lip lock with a guy!"

"No way!" Elrohir much more used to his father's Dorwinion wine than dwarven ale, which they had been sampling for the last half an hour had led to extremely fuzzy images causing the dude to look like a lady. "Brother I am forever in you debt!" With that the twins return to their drinks, due to potency of which they promptly passed out.

"Another two down." Grinned George

Suddenly familiar striptease music kicked in and an assortment of busty blondes and brunettes surrounded The Lusty Twelve.

"I don't suppose you have arranged any male strippers?" Asked Boromir hopefully.

"This night is not for you it's for your friends!" Laughed George.

Celeborn who seemed to be greatly enjoying himself suddenly joined Elladan, Elrohir and Kai in their unconscious states after spending too long in between a busty blonde's rather ample bust.

"It's just too easy." Smiled George noting the three remaining elves that had yet to collapse.

……

"So you are telling me you and Boromir have never slept together?!" Asked a disbelieving Arwen.

"Never."

"What about when you two went missing after Helm's Deep?" Asked Emily.

"Despite what your brother claims to have heard, nothing happened. We decided to take things slowly due to Boromir's father, when he died we figured we might as well wait till we were married." Replied a gushy Haldir.

"That's so romantic." Grinned Emily.

"What about you and Legolas did you two wait?" Asked Haldir.

Emily tried to suppress her laughter but failed miserably and ended up spitting champagne everywhere. "Sorry. With an elf as insatiable as Legolas I don't think so!"

"I would never expect that of Legolas he seems so stoic!" Giggled Galadriel.

"Don't you believe it! So Glady truth or dare?"

"Urm…I think truth."

"Is it true that you had a fling with one of the wardens?"

"Who told you that?!" Spluttered a shocked Galadriel.

"Is it true?!" Gasped Arwen.

"I'm afraid it is."

"Who was it?!" Asked Haldir who knew all the wardens very well.

"It was…no I really cannot say."

"Come on!"

"Oh alright it was Rumil."

Haldir's eyebrows hit his hairline.

"Grandma!" Gasped Arwen.

"Nice one that Rumil is quite cute!" Laughed Emily. "Ok my turn. Haldir, is it true you have always been gay?"

"I knew I was gay since my majority."

"Why though? I mean the only real big difference between male elves and female elves are the penises since all you male elves are extremely effeminate."

All of a sudden the entire group of The Lusty Twelve including the passed out ones appeared:

"Nothing can defeat the penis!" They cried and just as suddenly disappeared.

"That was weird." Remarked Galadriel.

"What is it with males and their penises?!" Asked an exasperated Emily.

"It's a bit like women and their shoes only on a more personal level." Haldir tried to explain.

……..

"Are you sure this is legal?" Asked Boromir as George led The Lusty Twelve into Middle-earth's first Indian take-away.

"Having a curry is an intrinsic part of a lads night out." Explained George as he ordered twelve uber hot vindaloos. The kind of stuff that leaves your tongue smoking and your eyes watering.

 "I didn't mean the curries I mean that green stuff you are putting into them."

"This Boromir is the good shit and it'll get those final three elves dropping to the floor quicker than a granny on a frosty morning."

"What are you planning?"

"Best you don't know." Grinned George as he handed Legolas, Rumil and Orophen their 'specially prepared' curries. "Enjoy guys!"

Within minutes Orophen and Rumil had joined their lore master, the twins and Kai on the floor with contented smiles on their faces. However, Legolas seemed to be still standing and lacking any sleep inducing side effects. George not to be disheartened increased his efforts ten fold on topping up the elf's drinks but still Legolas remained remarkably composed. It was time for drastic actions.

"Guys I shall be back in a second. Enjoy the various selection of rubber dolls at your disposal." George exited the curry house and jumped in the wormhole.

…….

"How is your love life Arwen?" Asked Emily.

"As sweet and willing as Zombie Aragorn is, it just isn't the same. He can be quite rough at times."

"Maybe it is time I gave Aragorn the benefit of the doubt and came up with a cure for the poor sod. It would a gift from me to my newly acquired kinda half sister." Pondered Emily.

"Oh please do Emily I would be ever so grateful." Arwen's excitement was interrupted by a flustered George.

"That bloody elf of yours will not pass out!"

"What?" Asked a bemused Emily.

"All the other no problem, but no Mr. Ponce of Mirkwood won't fall even after a whole brewery has been poured down his throat. He even is resilient to my weed!" Cried George.

"He may have built up an immunity to that." Admitted Emily guiltily.

"There has to be something that will knock him out!"

"Why don't you just hit him?" Came the surprising response from Frodo.

"No!" Yelled Emily. "Look all you have to do is lace his drink with grapefruit juice."

"What?!"

"I don't know why but one day I gave him some juice and he fell asleep. It is like the total opposite of an aphrodisiac." Emily revealed.

"Emily what can I do to say thank you?!" Asked an elated George.

"You couldn't get me a picture of Kai as well, oh and one of Rumil for Glady!" Emily giggled.

…….

"Hey guys I'm back! Where's Zombie Aragorn." Asked George.

"He went to find some food. Don't worry Pippin went with him." Replied an extremely drunk Merry.

"You left Pippin alone with a hungry cannibal?!" Yelped George.

Merry nodded mutely and went back to his drink.

George shrugged and went to prepare a final cocktail for Legolas.

"I'm getting married in the morning…" Sang an inebriated Boromir. Soon the remaining members of The Lusty Twelve joined in.

"…ding dong the bells are gonna chime!"

"Here you go Legolas get a swig of this!" George offered Legolas a cocktail.

"What's in it?"

"More than you would ever care to imagine!" Grinned George.

Legolas downed the entire concoction and within a minute of consuming it the elf was asleep peacefully under the table.

"Excellent." Smiled George as he looked over the seven sleeping elves. With a grin on his face and a plan on his mind George went in search of the magic bag in need of seven lampposts.

……

"Right Haldir it is time for you to go to bed." Announced Arwen.

"Yes it is your big day tomorrow." Added Galadriel.

"Well technically today." Remarked Emily looking at her watch.

"Don't you ladies stay up too long." Smiled Haldir. "Goodnight." Haldir turned to leave but stopped and regarded Emily. "Emily I would be honored if you would be a grooms maid tomorrow that's if you want to of course."

Emily felt the sudden urge to cry, "Thank you! Of course I'd want to!" Emily hugged Haldir tightly.

"Goodnight Emily." Chuckled Haldir as he unattached the princess of Mirkwood from him.

…….

With the help of George's old friend Yoshie, who returned to the King of Gondor on upon the need to plague Middle-earth with mischief, George managed to drag the seven sleeping elves to the spot where he had placed his seven lampposts.

…….

"Is it time for spin the bottle now?!" Giggled Arwen.

"We have to wait for the guys to…" Emily was interrupted by five of The Lusty Twelve returning.

"Hey guys! Where are all the elves?" Asked Frodo.

George handed two pictures to Emily and one to Galadriel. Laughter ensued.

"You cannot just leave them there." Said Emily between fits of giggles.

"I'm not going back there to get them." Groaned George. "It was hard enough to get them there in the first place!"

"Any volunteers?"

"I'll get them." Came a stern voice.

"Dad!" Welcomed George.

Lord Elrond looked reprovingly at the two parties.

"I think I'll go to bed." Muttered Boromir who quickly disappeared.

"I will not have seven of the most respected elves in Middle-earth left there like that!" Shouted Elrond.

Everyone rose and eyebrow.

"Well maybe not Kai but you know what I mean." Relented Elrond.

"Go ahead then." Said George who was loath to let all his hard work be undone.

"What exactly did you do to them?" Asked Gandalf carefully.

George grinned and pulled out another picture, "I just removed some of their elvish pride."

The entire group all had the decency to turn a rosy pink color as they were confronted with seven naked elves tied to their own individual lampposts.

"I wish I hadn't asked."

"So who is up for some spin the bottle?!" Suggested George.

……

A/N: George: I can't believe you made me do that!

Emily: Granted it was my idea but who could blame me! Fan girls will rejoice.

George: Next chapter the gang will experience spin the bottle and the return of seven red elves.

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass – Here is your mention oh bossy one! Hug from Kai? Sorry he doesn't hug dwarves.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – Gandalf?! Argh! Thank God we didn't use that idea! Kai will be causing trouble in the upcoming wedding!

Shadowz – Good ol' donkey. Yoshie made a slight cameo but the little bugger has run off again. George says The Rasmus are slightly POPTASTIC.

CourtneyNKay – I'm sure George will get a Lincoln the Third. George is also relieved that he is alive and thanks you for Kay's concern.

Chaotic Jinx – Four reviews! Wow! The Strangers identity will appear at the wedding. The light saber is in the post!

Poolbum – I suppose Haldir naked would also be too much. Good thing he was the only elf to get away with it then.

Limpet666 – Yes you caught our blackadder reference! You sly fox you! Speaking of Faramir this striptease was especially for you.

Pretendingtobesane – Wow we have always wanted one of those! Thank you soooooooooo much!


	10. Spin The Bottle

A/N: George: Urm…Emily had an argument with our mum so I've locked her under the stairs until she apologizes. If you think I'm joking you don't know our family. She has been in there for two hours so far and is still protesting innocence so don't expect her to be around for a while. However, I will not let you down and shall endeavor to continue this until Emily's return. I've just noticed that we are kind of slacking in our updates. Sorry about that, I personally blame Emily.

Disclaimer: I know nothing, I own nothing, I remember nothing, I am nothing – Who am I?

Chapter Nine – Spin the bottle.

"So what are the rules?" Inquired Pippin as the group sat around an empty rum bottle.

"Well," Began Emily, "Someone spins the bottle and whoever it lands on that person has to kiss."

"But before they do, they have to pick up one card form this pile and another from this pile." Took up George. "The first card tells you where the kiss begins e.g. mouth, the second card tells you where the kiss has to end up e.g. neck."

"What happens if the cards say the same thing?" Asked Merry.

"Then you have to use you tongue." Grinned George.

"So who's in?" Asked Emily.

Everyone in the group gulped nervously but after the amount of alcohol they had consumed it was near impossible for anyone to refuse.

"Great!" Smiled Emily. "Now we just have to wait for the…"

At that precise moment seven red elves who were now unfortunately clothed entered the clearing each with murderous glances directed at George.

"There you guys are, we were wondering what happened to you. Are your ears usually that pink because in this picture they look a lot more…urm…nude shall we say?" Smiled George remarkably composed as everyone else dissolved into fits of giggles.

Elrond had to hold his twins back as they frantically tried to grab the offending picture of their half-brother.

"Whoa, whoa calm down little elfies. It was just a bit of stag night fun." Pacified Emily. "There was no real harm done. Plus none of you really have anything to be ashamed of!" She giggled.

Legolas narrowed his eyes.

"Oh come on hunny and sit down. Stop glaring you'll get frown lines." Emily beckoned Legolas to sit next to her.

"You did not have to look at everyone." Mumbled Legolas jealously.

"Baby you were definitely the best." Reassured Emily.

"Really?"

"Absolutely. You were toned to perfection. You even managed not to drool while you were sleeping." Emily shot a look at Celeborn who promptly wiped his mouth in paranoia.

"I just don't know how he knew to give me grapefruit juice. Only you know that." Pondered Legolas.

"Maybe he was just lucky." Said Emily quickly.

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "You wouldn't have had anything to do with this would you?"

"I would do no such thing as to aid in the embarrassment of seven respected elves!"

Legolas looked disbelievingly at his wife.

"Well maybe not Kai but you know what I mean."

"I believe you hunny I just think it is strange he would know something like that."

Emily nodded then changed the subject, "So are you elves going to forgive and forget and join us for spin the bottle?"

The elves reluctantly sat around the bottle.

"So who wants to go first?" Asked George.

"I will." Offered Kai who was already spinning the bottle.

(At this point Emily apologizes to her mum and rejoins the writing of this chapter.)

The bottle span on for what seemed a bit too long for Emily's liking; she glanced at her brother who was blatantly controlling the bottle with his Jedi powers. She decided to let him have his fun as long as her didn't make her kiss Gandalf, Elrond, Gimli or the hobbits. She then reevaluated this and thought kissing Elrond would not be that bad but then realized that her mother fancied Hugo Weaving and decided against it.

"Arwen!" Cried everyone as the bottle finally stopped.

"Pick a card!" Yelped Pippin who was getting a tad over excited.

Kai picked up two cards and smirked widely. "Mouth to Chest."

Aragorn the Zombie grunted a protest but fell short of a direct objection as he finally gave into the alcohol in his bloodstream and toppled off the log he was perched on.

Kai lent over to Arwen and in true Kai form spent as long as possible making his way from Arwen's mouth to her chest.

"About Aragorn reverting to human form," gasped Arwen as Kai smugly sat back, "You couldn't make that as soon as possible, it really has been too long since…well…" Arwen turned a pretty shade of pink.

"No probs Arwen, we'll have Aragorn fixed as quick as you can say, 'I'm gagging for it.'" Smiled George. "Right now it is your turn to spin."

Arwen spun the bottle and the game went on as any spin the bottle game would until it was Elrohir's turn to spin. George couldn't help but stop the bottle on Elladan for the pure comedy value of the twin's expressions.

"You don't expect me to…" Elrohir trailed off in disgust.

"Well you aren't exactly up to my high standards!" Bit back Elladan.

"Guys, guys calm down, don't worry you don't have to kiss, this isn't adult fanfiction." Informed George.

"Adult fanfiction?" Asked Elladan.

"Let us just say twincest is highly popular there." Grinned George as Elladan and Elrohir turned a funny green color.

"Coming from someone who doesn't mind adult fanfiction, I think you make a cute couple." Emily was not helping the situation.

Legolas could not help but join in laughing at the twin's discomfort.

"I don't know what you are laughing at blondie, as I recall you are often found in between them in such fanfictions." Enlightened George.

It was Legolas' turn to pale considerably.

"What was it again? Oh yes, honey spread between toasted buns." Laughed Emily.

"Please never say that again." Pleaded Legolas.

Emily grinned and took the opportunity to spin the bottle herself.

"Kai!" Everyone cheered except Legolas who suddenly felt quite homicidal.

"Ear to Navel." Said Emily throwing Legolas an apologetic look.

Legolas found himself being held back by Rumil and Orophin who noticed the reflexive grip Legolas had on his white knives.

"That was nice!" Remarked Emily, upon noticing Legolas' look quickly rambled on,

"When I say nice I mean rather disappointing, not that I was expecting anything, in fact it was a very traumatic experience that shall never be repeated again, well unless I get the bottle again, but then I will just forfeit it or something."

"Stop talking." Interrupted Legolas.

"Sorry." Mouthed Emily as she shot a glare at George who continued to control the bottle.

George grinned as Kai reached to spin the bottle, he knew exactly who it was going to land on and couldn't wait to see the look on their face.

No one dared to scream out the name of the person it landed on.

Emily tried hard to suppress a smirk but rewarded George with a thumb up as Legolas stared at the bottle pointing at him in sheer mortification.

"Would you look at that." George weakly squeaked as the laughter threatened to spill over.

"Pick up two cards then." Said a shaking Emily who was starting to get a stitch from holding in her mirth.

Legolas stared incredulously at Emily. "I am not…"

"Don't even think about it elfie. You agreed to play there is no getting out of this." Reprimanded George.

Legolas reluctantly picked up two cards. "They say the same thing."

"That means tongues!" Pippin was getting into the game.

Legolas began a silent prayer to the Valar begging for them to remove him from Middle-earth.

Emily looked over his shoulder at the cards. That was it the laughter was released like a dam being broken. Emily rolled around the forest floor clutching at her sides.

"Well?" Asked Kai reluctantly.

"What is it?" The hobbits surrounded Legolas.

"So where has you tongue got to go." Laughed George as he helped his sister up.

Legolas turned round the two cards which both said mouth.

Kai noticeably gulped.

"Get on with it then!" Demanded Arwen.

Legolas let out a pained groan as he made his way over to Kai.

"You tell anyone in Mirkwood about this and I'll removed the only thing you value in life." Threatened Legolas as he leaned in.

Emily now recovered from her fit of laughter now faced a new challenge, how to keep ones jaw from dislocating when gaping at two drop dead gorgeous elves snogging. Emily failed this challenge and promptly fainted.

"Ahh!" Yelped Kai as Legolas pulled away. "He bit me!"

Legolas smirked maliciously, downed half a bottle of miruvor then picked up Emily and stalked of into the forest.

The group was silent but for the obvious shudders of contained amusement.

"Well I think that concludes our fun for tonight. See you guys at the wedding tomorrow." George rose swiftly and had made it about five steps before the giggles attacked everyone present including George who struggled to keep walking.

……..

A/N: George: Trust everything to turn smutty when you turn up!

Emily: In case some of you don't know I am the princess of smut. I am second in command to one of our reviewers, Ayiicaalimé, whom was appointed the title of Queen of smut by me a year ago.

George: I do apologize to those of you of a nervous disposition. If it is any consolation Emily got attacked by a bat yesterday. She also painted Orli on her hand in glow in the dark paint and it won't come of so let us all laugh at her now.

Emily: Thank you for that! A quick thing, that 'Honey spread between toasted buns' line was nicked from an adultfanfiction but I cannot remember for the life of me which one. If by some coincidence the author of that fic is reading this, I hope you don't mind and I love your work. Well the wedding is next which also happens to be the last chapter! Wow that arrived quickly! Right I have held it in too long…

George: Here we go… I'd advise you to cover your ears.

Emily: 'screams hysterically' one of our reviewers Lil Smartass and me are going to The Fellowship Festival! Yippee! However, I've got a special ticket which means I get to meet Craig Parker! Yummy Haldir in the flesh! 'faints'

George: Yeah sorry about her. I am moving out that weekend so I don't have to deal with her constant gibbering! Here are the thank yous:

Random-Shiny – We are all for the random insane in our household, you are most welcome anytime you swing past Canterbury. I feel all squiggly inside when we are put on any favorites list. Bring on the squigglyness! Oh and I shall take your advice on the turkeys. Maybe Em should take some advice on avoiding bats.

Poolbum – Never mention naked Haldir around Em, especially now she is going to meet him. I feel sorry for the guy personally. As a guy I am also quite glad you decided to keep your mental image to yourself, but I am sure Emily would love to here about it so feel free to email her.

Pretendingtobesane – I want to go to Vegas. I would cruise around in my Matrix get up and bet stupid amounts of money that I don't have!

Ayiicaalimé – Hey you! Long time no see. Apparently I'm supposed to ask how is Sam?! Glad to see we are invoking a good reaction from the Queen of Smut. With you influencing Emily it can only get worse.

CourtneyNKay – Hello! Yes you girls do like the naked elves. I feel unloved now. 'Pouts' Here is your update sorry for the delay.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – Me pashing a hobbit! Ok my lunch may resurface now! I'll let Em know about the wet naked elves!

Limpet666 – Hey Dory! Faramir didn't get to kiss anyone in this chapter because he buggered off to find you. Feel free to use him and abuse him. The thought of Elrond tied to a lamppost is making me feel ever so queasy. Good old grapefruits, yes they look nothing like grapes! Bizarre world we live in.

Lil Smartass – Oh it's you! I blame you completely for the uber hyperness that Emily is plaguing across our town! Did you think of the consequences when you decided to inform her of that bloody festival!

Shadowz – Emily will no doubt invite you to her hen night, which by the looks of it won't be that far away. She is seriously crushing over this dude call Adam who may need his legs broken 'evil big brother laugh'. Oh I have to apologize for my POPTASTIC comment about The Rasmus even though I still think that the crow dude could be in S Club 7.


	11. I Swallowed Confetti

A/N: Emily: Here it is the last chapter. Who knew that a simple journey to a wedding could evolve into this frankly quite random tale of adventure, romance and jealousy!

George: So what is in store for our characters? Well let me just say you are in for a treat. Get your hankies at the ready for the beautiful wedding ceremony that is about to take place and get ready to gasp in shock at the scandalous revelation at the end which will leave you dangling forever…well maybe not forever…

Disclaimer: You would have thought we would be allowed to keep something but alas no we are still made to give the toys back.

**Chapter ten – I swallowed Confetti.**

"Legolas…Wake up… Legolas!" Emily prodded her elf in the ribs. Legolas answered by rolling over and pulling the covers over his head. "You lazy elf! We are going to be late for the wedding!"

"I have a headache." Groaned Legolas.

"That is because you drunk too much grapefruit juice last night."

"Can't I just sleep a bit more?" He whined.

"You just need to be sick, then you'll feel fine."

"Being sick will help?!" Asked Legolas skeptically.

"I've been sick twice this morning and I feel great." Announced Emily.

"Despite being rather gross in the mornings I still love you." Remarked Legolas as he reluctantly rolled out of bed and made his way to the baths.

Emily wrinkled her nose at the comment not sure if she should take it as a compliment.

…..

It was some idiot's idea to place George and Kai in the same guest room. Maybe they thought putting them together would mean only one place to avoid.

"Did you use my shampoo?!" Yelled Kai as he desperately tried to pour some more out of the glass jar.

George grinned through his toothpaste-covered teeth then proceeded to gurgle and spit.

"I wish you wouldn't do that." Muttered Kai in disgust.

"Dude chill out. Today is a day of love." Said George in a hippy voice.

"Give me that toothpaste!" Demanded Kai. "I still have Legolas taste in my mouth!"

George suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to laugh but had already ruined one set of robes rolling around in fits of giggles so thought better of it.

"You are not wearing that!" George looked at the state of Kai who was only dressed in a pair of breeches.

"I haven't decided yet." Smirked Kai.

"You are up to something." Accused George.

"Like you haven't got something planned for this wedding!"

"As the best man I am here to make sure this wedding goes smoothly."

"I promise I will not ruin Boromir and Haldir's big day." Swore Kai honestly.

"Good. Right I have things to attend to. Last time I saw Boromir this morning he was looking less than prepared." George left Kai to get ready.

Kai stood in front of the long mirror in his room and looked himself over.

"What to wear?" He mused. He slipped out of his breeches and grinned. "Perfect!"

…..

"Emily where is my tunic?" Called Legolas from the other room.

"I am not your mother!" Emily snapped before throwing the tunic at Legolas.

"Are you all right?"

"Just bloody fantastic!"

"What is with the mood swing?!"

Legolas was answered by one of his boots hitting him on the head.

…..

"So how are you feeling?" Asked George.

"Like a butterfly colony has set up home in my stomach." Sighed Boromir.

"Do butterflies make colonies?"

"I think that is beside the point."

"Why are you nervous? You love Hal, Hal loves you."

"What happens if he changes his mind?"

"Not likely especially seeing as he is gagging for it from you." 'Comforted' George.

"How did..?!" Gasped Boromir.

"Whoops. Urm…Haldir let slip at the hen night and Emily has the mouth the size of lobotomized Hippo."

Boromir let out a sigh, "I just don't know what I would do if I ever lost him."

"It is more likely that he is the one that will lose you." Stated George suddenly becoming very solemn. "Haldir made his choice to love you till your dying day, which ultimately will be his as well. Enjoy every moment you have with him. Don't make him regret his decision."

"When did you become so wise?" Asked Boromir now smiling slightly remembering all the happy times Haldir and he had had.

"I have always been wise I just hide it well, I don't want to make Emily look bad."

"Thank you friend. So you have the rings right?"

George started to nod but then stopped. "Shit! I knew I was forgetting something. Urm… Wait here I'll be back in a sec."

Boromir shook his head in amusement, "Good job I never gave them to him in the first place." He laughed as he pulled out the two rings from his pocket.

…..

"Are you ready?" Inquired Legolas carefully.

"Yes darling." Replied a now cheery Emily.

"Are you feeling Ok?"

"Like a fairy with a new pot of fairy dust!"

"Are you high?"

"Possibly, I can't quite remember." She smiled.

"I am going to check on Haldir. Will you be all right?"

"I am fine Legolas. Don't worry Lord Elrond is escorting me to the wedding."

Legolas placed a kiss on Emily's head. "I will see you later then."

Legolas had been gone for ten minutes when a knock interrupted Emily from her random thought of the day. Which incidentally was 'are McDonald's Chips vegetarian?'

Emily curtsied dramatically as she opened the door. "Hello Lord Elrond." Emily looked up to see George staring at her. "You aren't Lord Elrond."

"Good call." Said George as he pushed his way in.

"What can I do for you?"

George continued to stare at his sister.

"Middle-earth to big brother are you receiving?" Yelled Emily.

"Wow, I never thought the day would come when you would look half decent!" Exclaimed George.

"I want to slap you now!" Growled Emily.

"It was a compliment!"

"What do you want?" She snapped.

"Why is everyone so touchy today. Kai's despondent, Boromir's subdued, Legolas looked majorly hung over and you are about as welcoming as a face full of spunk."

"There was no need for that."

"Cheer up girly it can't be that bad."

"We'll see about that."

"Whatever. I need your help."

"What have you done now?"

"I've lost the rings!" Yelped George.

"That is terribly cliché brother."

"Oh sorry for falling out of a romance novel but I was hoping that you would help and not pass judgment!"

"I'm all quested out when it comes to rings."

"Please help, Boz'll kill me if I've lost them."

"But you have lost them."

"Exactly and you would hate to see me die."

"At this precise moment…"

"Please." Begged George.

"When did you last have them?"

"I don't remember."

"When did Boromir give you them?"

"He didn't."

Emily blinked.

"Hang on a second. He never gave me any rings! He tricked me. I was tricked! I feel dirty now!" George pouted.

"So this means you can leave now." Pleaded Emily.

"Why?"

"Look Elrond is coming soon and I need to finish getting ready."

"Are you having affair with my dad?!" George practically yelped as he shot back in suspended shock.

Emily rolled her eyes. "The things you think of. Now leave!"

"Ah ha! You didn't deny it!"

"Get out before I put you out!" Yelled Emily.

George suspiciously eyed his sister as he left the room.

Emily sighed as she finished putting her earrings in. There was a knock at the door.

"Ah Lord Elrond." Smiled Emily.

"Are you ready to go?" The lord inquired.

"Go at what eh?" George poked his head around the corner.

"Sod off!"

George walked past Elrond, "I've got my eye on you sonny!"

"I need to ask you something." Said Emily nervously when George had gone.

…..

"How are you feeling?" Asked Legolas as he watched Haldir pacing his room.

"Like George has laced my stomach with TNT." Groaned Haldir.

"I know what you mean. When Emily and I got married all I could think of was me standing there and Emily not turning up."

Haldir widened his eyes in panic.

"Not that Boromir would not turn up!" Said Legolas quickly. "I'm not helping am I?"

"Not really." Haldir laughed.

"George is with Boromir right now and if I know George he will have Boromir already waiting for you. It's time you got married."

Haldir grinned and followed Legolas to the pavilion where the ceremony was taking place.

……

"Rings huh?" Said an unimpressed George.

Boromir just laughed as George and him took their places at the front of the pavilion.

"Here you go." Boromir handed George two beautiful white gold rings that had the leaves of Lòrien and the mark of Gondor intricately engraved on each.

"Not bad." Remarked George. "Not bad at all."

George looked back at the crowd gathering. The hobbits sat together in between Gandalf and Gimli. Galadriel and Celeborn naturally sat together but George could not help but notice the glance sent between the lady of the wood and Rumil. Orophin sat next to his brother and engaged himself in a conversation with the Rivendell twins. Arwen sat with Aragorn who was starting to regain some of his natural colour. Emily and George had kept their promise and had bribed Gandalf into finding a cure for the Zombie condition. A few more days Aragorn would be back to normal, much to Emily's silent dismay. Faramir was seated directly behind Boromir with his date who looked suspiciously like limpet666.

Emily and Elrond arrived shortly after everyone was seated. George sent a suspicious glare at Emily but she just ignored it and went back to staring at her suddenly very interesting hands. It was about now that everyone went silent. Boromir turned around expecting to watch Haldir arrive.

"What the…?!" Gasped Boromir.

Kai had arrived and his suit was causing quite a stir, the particular name of this style is generally called the birthday suit. In true Kai form the elf just grinned proudly and took his seat.

"I knew I should have checked on him!" Sighed George.

"Never mind I am sure nothing worse could hap…"

George placed his hand over Boromir's mouth, "Don't tempt fate, especially with Emily and me around!"

"Are you ready?" Asked Legolas as he stood by George's side.

Boromir could only nod as everyone went silent again as Haldir joined Boromir and they held each other's hands.

A withered looking man stood in front of them ready to conduct the ceremony.

"Don't I know you?!" Blurted out George.

"Ah so you do remember me. Funny really seeing as you didn't bother to check if I got out of cave all right!" Replied the man.

"You are that stranger dude that was imprisoned with us!"

"Eowyn locked me up to stop me from marrying these two. I trust that no one else has any objections resulting in me being locked up."

Silence.

"Good, now I can begin." Announced the man who shall now be called William, why I have no idea. "I stand here now and bless this union in the name of…"

The ceremony lasted for twenty minutes. It took all of Emily's concentration to stop her brain intervening and taking boredom matters into it's own hands.

Legolas and George gave witness to Boromir and Haldir's pledges and vows to each other.

"You may now kiss your bonded." Pronounced William and so Boromir and Haldir did.

There was a resounding gush that swept the audience as all the females and a few of the males, including George wiped tears from their eyes.

Haldir and Boromir walked down the aisle followed by George who was shouting, "Party time!"

George's cries were cut short as he began to cough. Emily ran to his side.

"Are you all right?!"

"I think I just swallowed confetti!" George groaned. "I need a drink!"

A strangely familiar man popped up with a tray full of rum. "Drink mate?"

"Cheers." George grinned. Soon the tray was empty.

"Why is the rum gone?!" Gasped the man.

"Aren't you...?"

"Ssssh I'm keeping a low profile, savvy?" Hushed the man.

George scrunched his eyebrows in bemusement. After downing half of his rum George began to cough again.

"Will you put some clothes on?!"

Kai grinned proudly again. "What you don't like the ensemble?!"

"I will not have you degrading my best mate's wedding!"

"Don't worry I'm off now." Kai grinned as he disappeared with three blonde elleths.

"Smug git." Grumbled George.

"Dinner is served." Announced a random elf.

Haldir, Boromir, Emily, Legolas, George, Faramir, limpet666, Rumil and Orophin were all seated at the top table.

When dessert was served George could no longer contain his glee. "Would you look at that! Grapefruit surprise!"

Legolas sent George a glare and politely pushed his bowl away; hoping Haldir and Boromir would not be too offended. However, the schmaltzy stares the couple were sending each other they would have had a hard time noticing a freak occurrence of rabbit rain accompanied by lightning bolts of naked Chippendales from Vegas.

After dessert it was time for DJ George to pioneer the change in the music tastes of the people of Middle-earth. And it all began with a little song by Rage Against The Machine.

"This is music?!" Grumbled Gandalf.

"Apparently so." Replied Gimli.

"Would you care to join me and my harmonica Gimli?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

George was enjoying the party immensely along with most of the elves who were finding the adjustment to rock music quite agreeable. However, someone didn't seem to be wanting to get down with their bad self.

George looked at his sister who was staring into thin air.

"Come with me." George grabbed Emily's wrist and pulled her into the forest. "Now there is definitely something wrong! Not only did you just fail to recognize Jack Sparrow serving rum, which may I add you never took, but you didn't laugh at the grapefruit dessert or dance to your favorite song of all time!"

"You played Kate Bush!"

"Never admit that again." Yelped George. "I meant Highway to Hell!"

"Oh sorry."

"You are not with it today. What is going on with you and Elrond?!"

"Get that idea out of your head! I just needed his expertise."

"Do you want to rephrase that because I'm back to the affair idea?!" Gulped George.

"Lord Elrond is Middle-earth's greatest healer that is why I needed to see him."

"Healer! Don't die!" Squeaked George.

"That was random. Look I need to speak to Legolas first."

"Please don't die!"

"I'm not going to die!" Yelled Emily. "If I was I would be taking on as much rum as is humanely possible!"

"Why is the rum gone?" Slurred Jack Sparrow.

"Then tell me what is wrong. Have you got piles because if you have I promise I won't embarrass you horribly?"

"I do not have piles!"

"Dysentery?"

"No!"

"Herpes?"

"No!"

"Syphilis?"

"No!"

"Anal warts? He didn't put his healing hands there did he?!"

"NO!!!!!!!" Screamed Emily

"I'll kill him!" Declared George.

"Kill who?!"

"Legolas."

"Why?!"

"Whatever he has done to you he shall be punished for!"

"Now why would Legolas have done anything to me?!"

"He found out you told me about the grapefruit thing."

"Did you tell him I told you?!!!!!!!!"

"Not as such."

"Not as such!" Yelled Emily.

"Are you PMS-ing because you are awfully moody?"

"I suggest you go and get Legolas before I gauge your eyes out."

"With a spoon?!" Asked George.

"No a fork."

George grunted in response.

"Please George, do me a favor, get him for me." Asked Emily.

"Only if you do me one."

"What?"

"Give me a hug. You have been a miserable bitch to me all day."

"Come here you soft git!"

"I'm not soft!" Protested George.

"I saw you crying."

George grumbled as he went in search of Legolas, "I don't cry I have hobbies."

George passed Arwen and Aragorn, he heard a snorting Aragorn ask where Eowyn was. George contained a smirk and a comment about flossing after eating. Finally he found Legolas who seemed to be in a rather somber mood himself.

"George, have you seen Emily? She has been acting strangely all day, I'm starting to get worried about her." Asked Legolas.

"You should be!" Snapped George. "Something is wrong but she won't tell me what! She is waiting for you in the forest."

Legolas frowned at George's offhand manner. He had never seen George this serious before. Legolas quickly hurried off into the forest.

Legolas entered the clearing in which Emily stood.

"I need to tell you something but not here." Emily led Legolas to a small booth that George had set up in order to introduce the people of Middle-earth to the greatest sound system in the entire history of existence. "You might want to sit down."

So Legolas did, right on the microphone button.

"Tell me what's wrong." Pleaded Legolas.

Back at the party…

George was trying to teach the hobbits to mosh to Metallica, he was hoping it would take his mind of things. Just as the blood rush kicked in the song was interrupted by a voice. 'God'?' Thought George. 'No wait, just Legolas.'

The next voice that came through the speakers was Emily's, "I haven't been feeling well recently."

Everyone was now listening.

'Shit the microphone!' Cursed George as he went into a full sprint. He was not about to let everyone hear whatever it was that was troubling Emily.

"I asked Elrond to see what was wrong with me." Emily said.

"What is wrong?" Legolas' voice was barely above a whisper.

George was nearing the booth when he tripped on a discarded harmonica. He stumbled to his feet cursing the instrument but froze to the spot when Emily spoke,

"We are going to have a baby." Announced Emily as bravely as she could.

Silence.

Silence.

A mouse squeaked.

The people at the party gasped.

Faramir choked on a peanut and had to be given the Heimlich maneuver by his date.

The first thought that went through George's head was that Legolas must have fainted because the microphone suddenly turned off. The second thought was,

'Castration!'

…….

A/N: George: The End.

Emily: Is that a cliff I see you hanging from?!"

Thank yous:

Shadowz – Jedi George has been made redundant after he hit me over the head with his plastic lightsaber he bought from the market. Oh my god! I completely forgot about Strong Bad! That is my next stop after this!

Jade – I love that image of yummy elves making out! The whole world should get to swoon over that image!

Ayiicaalimé – Two reviews! You really are spoiling us! I am ever grateful for your smutty influence! Noooooooooooooo! What's happening with you and Sam?! This calls for an emergency meeting when I return 'Sabriel' which I loved by the way, am I the only one that fancies Touchstone?! Name your time and I'll be there.

CourtneyNKay – I will refrain from tainting Legolas with Kai in the future. Being hunted down and cut by you two is a small price to pay to turn to jelly in the presence of Craig Parker.

Pretendingtobesane – The argument consisted of a major disagreement about what colour my top was. I remain with the opinion that it was black. However, my mum thinks it is navy blue. Any excuse for a argument in my house!

Poolbum – I will prepare my speech now 'Hello Mr. Parker 'swoon' My friend poolbum says hi!'

Random-Shiny – Brill quote, I shall quote it and it shall be quoted by all and sundry! I want to be in a angry mob!

Limpet666 – I hate the under of my stairs. It is dark and everything is black 'surprisingly!' Zombie Aragorn is no more, but you can have the flaky bits that fell off. I don't suppose you noticed your little cameo in this? Hey you read it too! I really want to know who wrote it but I can't get onto adultfanfiction at the mo! Love the reaction to the Kai and Legolas kiss. Ooooh and naked Kai was inspired by you! Yes I am a lucky bitch and shall remain smug for the rest of my life. I also get to find Gil Galad, Theoden, Glorfindel, Rosie Cotton who will also be there! YAY!

**P.S Look out for a little extra chapter that should be up shortly.**


	12. Coming Soon

Coming Soon….

**Unfortunately We're Still Related.**

Summary – Things fall off the straight and narrow in Rohan. Only two brave knights can save the day. Unfortunately Emily and George will have to do.

Prologue 

"Do you really have to go back to Mirkwood tomorrow?" Asked George.

"Legolas and I have been in Gondor for seven months now!" Sighed Emily.

"So…"

"Do you want me to give birth here?"

"Have a nice trip." Said George quickly.

"Thought so." Grinned Emily.

"What are you two up to?" Asked Legolas as he entered the throne room.

"Absolutely nothing. Unfortunately." Moaned George.

"How can the King of Gondor be bored?" Questioned Legolas as he sat himself next to his wife.

George shrugged and turned to call for his butler, "Spack Jarrow! Fetch my rum!"

Emily raised an eyebrow. "Why can't you just call him Jack Sparrow like any normal person?"

"Ssssh! He is incognito!"

"And you didn't think that Spack Jarrow was at all obvious?"

George chewed his lip in thought, "Not really no." George turned his attention to the rum placed in front of him.

"How is my beautiful wife?" Inquired Legolas.

"I feel like a beached whale."

"Well I think you look wonderful."

"You have to say that." Muttered a cynical Emily.

"Why?"

"Because it is your fault I look like this!"

"If I remember correctly you played quite an equal part in this situation."

"Smartass. Just because you are all cute and lov…" Emily was interrupted by the heavy wooden doors swinging open.

"Who goes there?!" Demanded George.

"Who goes there?!" Repeated Emily going over the lameness of that command.

"You must help." Spluttered a human man that crawled into the throne room.

Legolas noticed that the man had no injuries to speak of but looked terribly exhausted. George noticed that the man was sweating on his newly polished marble floors. Emily noticed that the man was not wearing any trousers.

"Rohan…something terrible is happening…you must help!" With that the man collapsed.

"What evil is afoot?!" Cried George. "A trouser stealing beast! My steed!" With this George ran to the window, somersaulted out and landed on his horse below and rode of into the distance.

"That was the most irrational thing I have ever seen." Remarked Emily.

"Coming from the one who made me get up at three am because she wanted a cheese and muesli sandwich." Pointed out Legolas. Emily hit him.

And here begins the 'Decking counter.' What with Emily's hormones running riot we felt the need the count the number of times she decks someone.

Decking counter: one.

"Shouldn't we stop George?" Asked Legolas rubbing his jaw.

"He will stop when he reaches the gates."

"How do you know?"

"I told the guards to lock them."

"George and I shall leave for Rohan tomorrow. I'm sure I can find someone to escort you home." Stated Legolas.

"Excuse me!" Emily's anger threatened to surface again.

"Oh no you are not coming. I will not have you in danger especially not now!"

"Don't you start getting all forceful now! I am coming with you and that is final!"

"No."

"I don't think I heard you probably, I think you mean 'of course you can come Emily.'"

"Please do this for me. Go home so I know you are safe."

"Fine! I'm sure Kai won't object to keeping me company while you are of having your adventure."

Emily knew she had won at Legolas' paling complexion at the mention of the name Kai.

"You had better go to sleep. We have a long journey to Rohan tomorrow." Said Legolas through gritted teeth.

"Thank darling. You won't regret it. Goodnight my love." Emily skipped away in glee.

"I doubt that very much." Legolas went to aid the healers who were helping George off his horse after he tried to ram the gate down with his head.

……..

A/N: Emily: There you have it guys. The final installment in the trilogy, 'Unfortunately we're still related.' So what's happening in Rohan? Well you will find out in a couple of weeks giving us time to work a few ideas out.

George: It can only get worse guys!

Thank yous:

Ayiicaalimé – Yay it was not just me! Text me when you are free and I shall pop round. The castration was for you!

Lil Smartass – I am only sick after eating pizza hut ice cream. George is still mad at you. He is threatening to move out that weekend but hey who cares?! I get to meet Craig Parker!

Elemmire Lomion – Are you a new reviewer? If you are hallo and thank you for reviewing! Yes I do feel rather lucky bearing Legolas' child.

Random-Shiny – I love your quotes they are the best. Glad we shocked you. Say hi to Leah for us.

Pretendingtobesane – Here is the sequel that is in the pipeline. Those names weren't lousy because the original of this one was called 'Another relation' but we decided to keep the 'related' theme. George is quite fussy about the 'ed' ending.

Limpet666 – It was a little thank you for the naked Kai idea, which you enjoyed immensely from the looks of your review! I shall mention your name when I see Haldir and tell him about your penchant for chains!

Poolbum – Congratulations on being an aunt. There's a baby boom!


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